-Michelle

Dear Michelle,

As you probably already know, the English system of letters is based on the Latin system that was used by the ancient Romans (jerks), which was in turn based on the system that was used by the ancient Greeks (also jerks). The word “alphabet”, as you know, is derived from the first two Greek letters: alpha and beta. The Greek letters are derived from the ancient Phoenician letters, which are based on the Canaanite letters. The Canaanite letters were pictoral, and therefore had specific meanings, which they lent to the Phoenician letters. For example, alpha meant “ox” and beta meant “house”. But of course you already knew that.

What you might not have known is that the Canaanites put their alphabet in order of which objects were most important to them in life.  The ox (alpha) provided them with food and a means of farming and transport. It was therefore essential to their livelihood, so they put it first. Next came the house (beta), which (since they needed it for shelter) was also necessary for survival in their harsh environment. After that came gamma, which meant “opium”; delta, which meant “money”; epsilon, which meant “blowjob”; and so on… all the way down to omega, which meant “wife”.

As time went on and the alphabet evolved through different cultures, the letters changed somewhat. Unfortunately, the priorities never did.

So that’s how the order of the alphabet was determined. Luckily for us, it makes a pretty catchy song. Even if it is just ripping off the tune from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.

Thanks for your question!

Your pal,

Jeesus

P.S. Don’t ask me about the order of the letters on your QWERTY keyboard. That makes no sense at all. Especially when it’s used on a cell phone. Is anyone actually typing on those things? No! Jerks.