Posts Tagged ‘bath’

How Do I Give My Cat A Bath?

October 8th, 2009

 Dear Jeesus (or as my hispanic friends know you as Hay-seuss),

Everyday I come home from work to see my beloved cat giving himself a bath.  He licks to and fro, and eventually makes it down to his junk region.  Although to watch is rather humorous, it is sometimes disgusting if you are trying to eat a delicious Taco Bell chicken burritos.

How do I give my cat a bath without him scratching my face to ground beef?

Dave

 

Dear Dave,

What a coincidence. I just got a letter from your cat complaining that, every time he tries to lick his butt, you ruin the experience for him by eating one of those disgusting Taco Bell chicken burritos.

Seriously, Dave, there’s a reason that Taco Bell is the biggest fast food chain in Hell. And it’s not just because of the Fire sauce.

But on to your question.

Cat-washing has been a problem that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. As you know, when Noah built the ark he brought two of each animal along for the journey: one male and one female. Well, we all know what happens when you put a male and a female cat together. (It wasn’t until fifty years after the flood that Bob Barker was born, to urge us to have our pets spayed or neutered.)

Have you ever been woken up at night by two cats having sex LOUDLY outside your window? Well, imagine having to deal with that for forty nights in a row! After the thirtieth night Noah couldn’t take it anymore, and he tossed the cats overboard. Luckily (for cat lovers at least) Noah’s wife managed to rescue the female cat, which was already pregnant with kittens. But to this day, cats are horribly terrified of drowning.

So it’s extremely difficult to get them into the water. People have tried everything from bait to babies, with little success. It seems the best way to wash a cat is to hire a chimp to do the job for you.

Actually, I did find a human who seems to know how it’s done.

Of course, none of these is the way that the cat would prefer. If it was up to the cat, you would use your tongue. But you probably wouldn’t enjoy that very much.

Then again, you do like those Taco Bell chicken burritos.

Good luck!

Your friend in Christ,

um… Christ

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