P.S. Pls don’t mention Kanye West. He’s the exception

-Nacambusx

Dear Nacambusx-

First of all, I don’t even wanna talk about Kanye West. That arrogant S.O.B. still owes me money for letting him use my name in his song. He told me the song was gonna be about me, but it wasn’t; he just used my name in the chorus to trick people into thinking that the song was about me. But the lyrics have nothing to do with me! If you see Kanye, tell him I want my royalties.

Now that that’s out of the way: of course I remember you, Nac. And I feel your pain, man. I didn’t have a car or a girlfriend when I was your age. Of course, cars weren’t invented yet. But the thought of me even thinking about a woman in a romantic way would upset millions of people. So you can see why my love life is so difficult.

And I see what you mean about the rappers. Rims are pretty sweet, especially the ones that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. That has to be the greatest invention in the history of mankind. But don’t worry if you never get your rims on Earth. In heaven we all ride around in Cadillac Escalades with chameleon paint, wood-grain steering wheels, hydraulics, gull-wing doors, and 26-inch wheels that never stop spinning!

My point is that you might just have to wait a little longer to reap your rewards. But when you do, you will receive infinitely more than those who did not live justly. I still love the people who live right. It may not seem like it, but calling out my name at the Grammy’s is not enough to win my favor. Especially not for that bastard Kanye West.

And another problem I have with a lot of these rappers are the huge, platinum, diamond-encrusted crucifixes they wear. What do they love, Christianity or money? They really need to pick one.

I don’t even like crosses. I don’t know who started the rumor that I did. I was killed on a cross, you know. That’s like if you were killed in the electric chair, came back to life, and everyone around you had tiny electric chairs hanging from their necks. Wouldn’t it freak you out? Well, that’s how I feel.

As far as rap goes, I prefer the more humble rappers who try to use positive messages in their music. Common, the Roots, Talib Kweli, Outkast… that’s the kind of stuff I bump in my Escalade.

Anyway, continue to live right and you’ll get your rewards eventually. I’m not saying don’t work towards success. If you can get rich, great. But never stop being a good person. And contact me anytime, my door’s always open.

Good Luck,

Jesus

P.S. I don’t really agree with calling women bitches and hoes. Except for the ones that are bitches and hoes. But those aren’t really the ones you want, are they?

-Shontee

Dear Shontee,

If your friend’s MySpace page makes her look like a porn star, that’s probably what she wants to look like. For many people, porn star is a desirable title. It has the word “star” in it, at least. So for someone who hasn’t managed to become any other type of star, “porn star” might be the way to go.

If you want her to change her MySpace page, tell her it makes her look like something less prestigious: like a “crack whore”. Nobody wants to be a crack whore.

No little girl ever said, “I wanna be a crack whore when I grow up.” Not even crack whores want to be crack whores. You can also try terms like “slut”, “skank”, “hussy”, “floozy”, or “village bicycle”. But I think “crack whore” will work the best.

Good Luck,

Jesus

P.S. Umm… what’s your friend’s MySpace URL? I need to see it for… um… business reasons. Jesus stuff. You understand. Thanks!