Is it true that when it rains it is because you are crying?

And if so, what are you crying about?

-Rainy Days

Dear Rainy Days,

Yes. It rains because I’m crying. And Santa Claus brings you presents on my birthday.

That’s what I should be crying about, by the way. You get presents for my birthday. How screwed up is that?

I should be the one getting the presents, shouldn’t I? Especially after all I did for you ingrates. The least you can do is chip in to buy me a pair of Air Jordans. These sandals I have are almost two thousand years old, and they were never very good for running in the first place.

So, because I’m bitter and my feet hurt, I’m going to share a few things with you:

1. There is no Santa Claus. He’s just as imaginary as all the other holiday icons, such as the Easter Bunny and Christopher Columbus.

2. I wear a size eleven-and-a-half sneaker. Just for the record.

3. It rains because water on the Earth evaporates, condenses in the air, and then falls back down in the form of precipitation. Not because I cry. That’s ridiculous; I’m only one man!

I suppose you thought that snow was my dandruff or something, huh? You went to public school, didn’t you? You should’ve learned this stuff!

High school graduates walking around thinking that I control the rain with my body fluids. That’s another thing that makes me cry.

(Sigh)

Thanks for the question,

Jesus