-Mr. Bo Planters

Dear Mr. Planters,

First of all, they’re not my laws. I’m not the one you have to worry about. I’m not the one who’s been accused of worldwide homicide by drowning! I’m not the one who’s been accused of turning people into pillars of salt! But that’s how it is, I guess: you hang out with someone enough and you start getting blamed for the things the other person does.

If anything, I should be afraid of you people. You’re the ones who have ceremonies where you pretend to drink my blood and eat my flesh. That’s creepy!

But whether or not you should fear God is a different question. Same answer, but different question.

I don’t understand why so many people who claim to worship God attribute so many clearly negative traits to Him. He’s understood to be jealous, vengeful, vain, petty, aloof, biased, and angry. Many of His followers refer to themselves as “God-fearing” people. But can you love someone and fear them at the same time? And if you have good reason to fear someone, how can they love you?

I mean, I know I child can love his mother in general, but fear her when she gets drunk and starts throwing platform shoes at him. But if he fears her all the time, then there’s a problem in the relationship.

Of course, that’s not a valid comparison because “God works in mysterious ways”, right? Wrong. That phrase is not even from the Bible. God never said that He wanted His motives to be a mystery. If He did, why would He give us the Bible in the first place? He could have just given us James and the Giant Peach, which is much more entertaining to read.

If God made man in His image, then the traits that we see as positive characteristics should be traits that we attribute to God: kindness, mercy, compassion, generosity, minty fresh breath, and courage. People talk about God’s mercy like peasants would talk about the mercy of a tyrant; as if God is showing us infinite mercy and kindness by not slaughtering us every time He’s in a bad mood. Do you think that God is only good sometimes? God is not your alcoholic mother!

A perfect God would exhibit those traits all the time, and He would want us to have those traits as well. He would not want us to live in fear of Him, and he would not want our motivation for doing good to be fear of punishment. Acting out of fear does not make you a better person. You have to do right because you know it’s the right thing to do.

And if you’re following someone who’s angry and wants you to fear him… it’s probably not God. Ask him to show some ID.

Thanks,

Jesus

PS. Or Your Dad could just be gay!

-Angelina

Dear Angelina,

Trying to get God out of the closet, eh? No, God is not gay, although He is a bit of a metrosexual (He gets a pedicure every freakin’ night).

But before I answer your question as to whether God is male or female, I want to address the idea that a man couldn’t have created the beauty of the Earth. Many of the world’s greatest painters, sculptors, poets, novelists, architects, movie directors, and other types of artists were men. Men like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and all those other guys who have ninja turtles named after them. That proves that men are capable of creating extraordinarily beautiful things.

Of course, most of those guys probably were gay.

But the answer to your question is this: God does not have a gender. God is an omnipotent power, not a corporeal form. God does not have a constant physical shape, nor does He have a need to mate with an opposite sex; therefore, there is no need for a gender.

We usually refer to God as “He” because it’s easier for humans to think of things in familiar terms. It’s difficult for the mind to contemplate interacting with a being who transcends human limitations such as space, time, physics, and gender.

Also, some of our more misguided followers over the years have used the male pronouns to make women feel like they are less important. Women, you are extremely important.

And we have to remember that point: if we assign God a gender, we’re assigning Him a human limitation.

In the above sentence, I could have just as easily (and just as correctly) used the word “Her”.

Me, on the other hand? I’m all man, baby. Make no mistake about it.

Although I also enjoy a pedicure now and then.

Thanks,

Jesus

P.S. You mentioned the three “major” world religions all believing that God is a man. If you meant the three largest religions, that would be Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. Christianity and Islam are both rooted in the same book, and Hindu beliefs are a little more… complicated. Food for thought.