-Carolina

Dear Carolina,

Let me get this straight: It’s your birthday. Today. On a Friday. And you decided to party last night and then show up to work in the morning?

You should have either waited until tonight to party or taken your birthday off from work. Nobody wants to work on their birthday, much less with a hangover.

Why do you think it is that God, after creating the Earth, rested on the seventh day? It’s because He was drunk all day on the sixth! Think about it: He had to be completely wasted to create humans and give them dominion over the Earth! He should have put the dolphins in charge, if you ask me. But I digress…

Sure, I could cure your hangover… if we were in the same room. Alone together. And if I had some massage oil and Marvin Gaye music.

But, unfortunately, that’s not the case. So here’s what you need to do:

1. Drink some hot ginger or peppermint tea with plenty of lemon juice in it. If you don’t have access to tea, try tomato juice. If you don’t have access to tomato juice, try chicken soup. If you don’t have access to chicken soup, try some more liquor. A little hair of the dog that bit you should get you through the day, although I can’t vouch for the quality of your work.

2. Have someone massage your scalp and neck. This not only eases headaches, but it also increases blood circulation and helps clear your system.

3. Swear to yourself that you’ll never drink again. This seems to make people feel better. Do not, however, swear to God that you’ll never drink again. Because we all know that you’re gonna be right back out there tonight sipping tequila shots off the chest of a male stripper named Raul.

If all of that fails, contact me again and I will see if I can come to where you are and work a miracle. I’ll bring the Marvin Gaye CD.

Happy Birthday!

JC