-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!

If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.

Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.

So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.

Good luck!

JC

-Amy

Dear Amy,

You didn’t give me a whole lot of information to work with, Amy. I mean, I know everything of course. But the other readers of the site might have been interested in more details: what is your current job, what is the new opportunity, have you ever been in a threesome, etc.

For all they know, your current job could be this one, in which case almost anything would be an improvement. Or you could be a Senator or a CEO, in which case you have one of the cushiest jobs in the world.

Well, except for Messiah. This job is a breeze. Once you get past that initial rough patch, anyway. I wouldn’t wanna do that again for anything.

But, to answer your question, Amy… IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!!!

If you have a new job opportunity that pays more, then say good-bye to your old career and move on up like George and Weezy. Unless, of course, your current job might offer you more in the long run.

Or unless the new job is this one. That would just suck.

Hope I answered your question,

JC

-Lu Lu

Dear Lu Lu,

School, a full-time job, and family: three quaint essential areas of your life where you don’t want to put on the back burner. You need school because, you don’t want to grow up dumb and even dumber. You definitely need a job unless you’re going to sell off your body parts for cancer and other medical research. You also need family, because you need support and someone to watch you when you grow old and smelly.

Well, something has to give and make way for the other. One thing is a fact is that you can’t give up your full time job. Someone needs to drive that ice cream truck dispensing those yummy bomb pops and firm chocolate tacos. Do it for the kids Lu lu, for the kids!

So that leaves school and your family. Here’s a suggestion: Go to school for a semester and take-off the next semester to be with you family. Unless you live with in-laws, then go to school as much as possible. I can’t stand in-laws in the same house and most likely they can’t stand you. So do them and yourself a favor; stay away as long as possible. You accomplish what you want, and they accomplish what they want which is to rummage through your underwear drawer.

You can thank me later,

JC