Why weren’t they there to choose from at the beginning?

And why do men find “taken” women so attractive?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

First of all, it’s not hard for a girl to get a really good guy when she’s single — it’s just hard for a girl to get a really good guy. Period.

Those guys who are showing up now? They’re not really good guys. Especially if they’re riding in on tidal waves. God is clearly trying to flood them off the face of the Earth. (He has a history of that, you know.)

Why do men find “taken” women so attractive? At the risk of having my Guy Card revoked, I’m going to tell you: they find you attractive because they don’t have to deal with you all the time.

If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending most of your free time with your boyfriend/fiance/husband. You won’t be calling the guy all the time “just to say hi”, you won’t be dragging him to chick flicks, and you won’t be asking him to meet your parents. He won’t be expected to buy you anything expensive, because your boyfriend/fiance/husband would find it and get suspicious.

The most the guy would expect, provided he can talk his way into it, is an occasional no-questions-asked sexcapade in an office or a motel or a 1984 Chevy Caprice.

Which is exactly what the guy wants. Keep in mind that, as I said before, these are not really good guys.

I take it that, if you are ready to settle down, you’ve found yourself a really good guy. And apparently you weren’t in a committed relationship when you found him. So things do work out sometimes, don’t they?

Good luck to you in your relationship,

Jesus

-Buttcheeks

Dear Buttcheeks,

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

I thought Sir Mix-A-Lot did a great job, about 15 years ago, of explaining the fascination with the butt. Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t take a stab at it… um, the question, not the butt.

Some people think that men are attracted to a woman’s butt because it’s shaped like a big, juicy apple — just like the apple that was our original temptation in the Garden of Eden. That’s a good theory, and it explains why some men would put the entire human race in jeopardy to get some tail. But it doesn’t explain why so many men avoid eating actual fruit.

The truth of the matter is simple: guys (at least straight guys) don’t want women who have bodies like guys. Therefore, the body parts that are most distinctive on women are most attractive to men.

To put it even more simply: we want what we don’t got. A big voluptuous booty is generally not a male trait, so it is an attractive trait in a female. Big, bouncy breasts are not common in men, therefore they are attractive in women. If beer guts and mustaches were common on women and practically nonexistent on men, we’d be attracted to those too.

Note to women: Beer guts and mustaches are common on men and are therefore NOT attractive on you!!!

Despite what the modeling industry tries to tell you, most men don’t like women with the bodies of teenaged boys. Those that do… probably like teenaged boys.

I hope I was able to answer your question, Buttcheeks.

Love always,

Jesus

P.S. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

-LONELY

Dear LONELY,

I answered a similar question last week from a writer who was wondering how to find “Mr. Right”.

The truth is, there are a lot of lonely guys out there who are wondering why all the women they meet are either married, gay, or immature (or all three). It goes both ways. You’re just not meeting those guys because they go to a different strip club than you do.

You have to be patient, and in the meantime work on self-improvement. Take a pottery class. Learn to juggle. Practice yoga.

Just relax, get out and enjoy your life. Before you know it, you’ll meet a wonderful guy who will be amazed at your ability to juggle ceramic vases while standing on your head.

If that doesn’t work, you might just be too attractive. Women who are unlucky enough to be extremely physically attractive often end up with the wrong type of guys. Shallow and immature guys chase after the most outwardly beautiful women, without paying attention to their inward beauty. Good men, on the other hand, often avoid the most beautiful women because, in their experience, beautiful women are often shallow and immature.

So you might need to “ugly yourself up” a little bit in order to find a good man. Stop doing your hair. Dress in baggy clothes. Don’t wear any make-up. Smear dirt all over your face if you have to.

But be an intelligent, creative, talented, confident woman with a good sense of humor and positive values. Good men will flock to you.

Then, instead of seeing you take off your make-up one day and screaming, “What have I done!?“, they’ll see you wash the dirt off your face one day and say, “Wow, I’ve done better than I thought.”

Good Luck,

JC

P.S. If you do learn to juggle ceramic vases while standing on your head, put a video of it on YouTube. I would like to see it. Thanks!

-Yuri

Dear Yuri,

Wow, I love your description: headless women with blue skin. Maybe after the apocalypse we’ll use headless blue-skinned women to repopulate the Earth. That way there would be no need for beauty parlors and tanning salons.

Anyway, I have an answer to your question. To put it bluntly: I like ‘em thick. You gotta have a little somethin’ to hold onto, y’know. And I think most guys would agree with me, but a lot of them won’t admit to it. The entertainment media teaches that the ideal woman is an emaciated waif, and so a lot of guys are ashamed to reveal their love of “curvy” women to the world. But most of those guys, while they have a Paris Hilton at home, are really wishing they had a Jennifer Lopez. Some even want a Jill Scott.

And in my opinion Cameron Diaz looked a lot hotter when she had a little more weight on her. Like when “The Mask” came out. Now she justs looks all awkward and gangly. I’d choose Beyonce in a minute. Even if she was headless and blue.

I might even prefer it that way.

Thanks,

Jesus