-Bobby

Dear Bobby,

Are you trying to buy steroids from me? Listen, I got out of that racket after that whole Marion Jones thing in the Sydney Olympics. I told her to go for silver and nobody’d ever suspect her. But, no, she just had to be “the fastest woman on Earth”. (Little does she know, that title is already held by Cindy McNichols of Cincinnatti, who slept with a guy named Gary 10 seconds after meeting him. That kind of world record is hard to beat.)

The thing is, Bobby, using steroids has never worked out for anyone in the long run. Well, unless you count Arnold Schwarzenegger. He used steroids and became a champion bodybuilder. And then he became a famous movie actor, even though he couldn’t act and couldn’t even speak English at first (watch Conan if you don’t believe me.) And then he became a millionaire. And then he became Governor of California.

What was my point again? Oh, yeah… take steroids, Bobby, and one day you can be Governor of California.

Just don’t try to buy them from me, man.

Thanks!

Jeesus