Blessed One

Dear Blessed One,

No. Bible classes should not be taught in public schools.

Don’t get me wrong: if a teacher wants to teach about the Bible as part of a Literature class, I have no problem with that. Next to The Da Vinci Code, the Bible is one of my favorite books. But there shouldn’t be a whole class for teaching the Bible.

That’s what your church is for, isn’t it? They should be teaching you about the Bible there. If they’re not, let me know and I’ll go have a little “talk” with them.

But if public school taught Bible classes, then people wouldn’t feel the need to go to church. They’d say, “Hey, why should I wake up early on Sunday? I learned about the Bible in school all week. I’m gonna sleep in and then watch ESPN all day!” And then their idle hands would become the devil’s workshop, and they’d start calling escort services by 2pm.

In addition to that, all of the companies that design and manufacture fancy church hats would go out of business, and the economy would be ruined.

Another problem is that if the Bible was taught in public schools, the government would have control over how it was taught. And you know how the government is. The teachers would have to change things around to be more “inclusive”, and everyone would learn about how Moses hung out with Buddha, and Muhammed had a seat at the Last Supper.

Also, if the Bible was taught in public school, think about the quality of the education. You see what a crappy job our schools do teaching our kids algebra. Do you really want them teaching the Bible? They won’t be able to get past Genesis without some ignorant kids asking stupid questions about things that don’t exist, like dinosaurs and solar fusion.

But the main reason that a Bible class shouldn’t be taught in public schools is simple: we here at headquarters like people to come to Christianity of their own accord. It works out better that way. If it was taught in public school, the kids would feel forced. And we all know that kids rebel against things that they’re forced to do. It’s human nature.

We’re big on the whole “free will” thing; we consider it one of our greatest accomplishments. So we want to force people to do things as rarely as possible. Even if they’re good things.

As a matter of fact, especially if they’re good things. That’s all the more reason that they should be a choice.

Thanks for the question,

JC