-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!

If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.

Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.

So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.

Good luck!

JC

Ever since my husband and I got married he doesn’t bring me flowers anymore? I don’t know why the changed occured. I have a friend who say the same thing about her husband? Whats up with the men?

-Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

That is such a shame that your husband hasn’t brought home any flowers to you lately. I guess he’s losing his midas touch, his playa like ways, or his pimp status. Or maybe he’s broke?!

I believe flowers are overrated. What ever happen to spending quality time together: watching tv, picking each other’s hair for ticks and lice, or just gazing at each other eyes. You need to converse with your husband about your needs and wants. You shouldn’t be conversing them to me first, as this act is a sign of infidelity-like tendencies. **Tisk tisk**

I can’t speak for all men, so your friend has to submit her own question for her own evaluation or she can bum it off of you.

Always yours,

JC

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he still hasn’t popped the question? Whats going on?

Should I give him an ultimatum, I don’t know what to do?

-Lucy

Dear Lucy,

You are not the only one who looks up at me every part of the day, pacing back and forth, blurbing ‘Is he going to ask me or not?’ Love is a tough game, my friend.

Look at Hugh Hefner: All of those ladies and the man can’t just pick one girl in a bunny costume to settle down with. What a shame and selfish on one man’s part; but I must say, his skin doesn’t appear as wrinkled as a 1 dollar bill.

Why quit? Quitting is even tougher on everybody. Especially if you give him the ultimatum. Guys don’t operate so well under pressure, except for me of course!

You must ask yourself the ultimate question, “Am I happy?” If you’re still happy, then you can wait for another 3 years for the big question. Happiness is just as important and essential as Love. If you weren’t happy for all of those 3 years, then you would’ve submitted a different question such as: “Which is better, rat poison or bleach?”

So what did we learn today: Love is a tough game, but quitting is even tougher. Happiness and Love prevail over all.

Hopefully I fulfilled your question. So put down the tub of Chunky Monkey and stop stressing out. Oh, and go get yourself a perm.

Sincerely yours,

JC XOXO

P.S. Leave your man, Hugh will never commit to you!

-I NEED LOVE

Dear I NEED LOVE,

That’s a difficult question for me to answer. Next to me, all men look like mentally disabled, pot-bellied pigs. But I guess even some mentally disabled pot-bellied pigs are better than others.

The best way to find Mr. Right, of course, is to make sure that you are Ms. Right. (Unless you’re a gay man. Then you would have to be Mr. Right. And then you could just find yourself.)

What I mean is that the key to finding the best mate is self-improvement. If you work on making yourself a better person, then great guys will be knocking down your door. And then you’ll be asking me how to get rid of all those guys, and how to replace a broken door.

Think of yourself as a car that you’re trying to sell. You love the car, and you want to sell it to someone who is a good match for it and will take good care of it. But you won’t find that person if you let the car get run down. You’ll most likely get someone who will mistreat the car, use it for certain parts, and then trade it in for something better.

You have to take good care of the car, clean it out, give it a tune-up, a fresh paint job, a really good stereo with CD player, TV sets in the seat backs, a GPS system, and some 20-inch chrome rims that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. Wait… what was I talking about again?

Oh, self-improvement. That’s the key to finding Mr. Right. While you’re working on yourself, you just might run into him at the gym, or in a cooking class, or in a museum. Get out there and live life, and you’ll find him sooner than you think.

Good Luck,

Jesus

P.S. If that doesn’t work, I have a homeboy I can hook you up with. He lives with his mom though. Let me know.

-Faithful

Dear Faithful,

Whoa. Hold on now. Offering answers to the great questions of the universe is one thing. Giving advice now and then is fine. But I never said I was a snitch. If your husband was cheating on you, it really wouldn’t be my place to tell you. I could lose my Guy Card for that.

The more important question is whether or not your relationship is suffering, for that reason or any other. If your relationship is strong and happy and fulfilling, don’t let the seeds of doubt creep into your mind. Enjoy it for what it is.

Or call “Cheaters”. I love that show. And they seem to do a pretty good job. And if you do find out that he’s cheating on you, whup his ass on national television. I’ll get the popcorn.

Good Luck,

JC