Posts Tagged ‘sex’

How Do I Tell My Family That I’m Gonna Be A Porn Star?

October 6th, 2009

Dear Jesus,
the economy right now is very tough and i am really struggling with making ends meet. In these hard times and in my desperation i have decided to make a career change for the better. I’ve decided to make pornographic movies and nude pic’s. I LOVE SEX and i will be able to pay the bills. My penis is magnificent so why not share it with the world. The only problem is how do i break the news to my family?

D

My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”

Dear D,

I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”

Times are tough.

But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?

Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.

And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.

There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.

Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.

Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)

But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:

Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.

Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.

Good luck, D.

Your pal,

Jeesus H. Christ

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How Do I Ask My Girlfriend For A Threesome

October 18th, 2008

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past 2 years. She’s a great girl and I do love her, but things are pretty boring in the bedroom. I’ve been wanting to bring up the possibility of having a three some, you know two girls and me. Since this a pretty risky thing how would you suggest I ask her? Any thoughts?

Sincerely,
Chunky lover 67

Dear Chunky lover 67,

It’s not easy to ask your girlfriend for a threesome. As you said, it’s risky. You should probably look into other ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

However, if you absolutely must have a threesome, here are a few sure-fire ways to ask:

1) Wait until she’s not really paying attention, then mumble “Ifyoupromisemeathreesomesaywhat”. She will reply by saying “What?”, and then you can tell her what you said. Tell her that she made a promise, and that you would never break a promise to her.

2) Find out who her girl-crush is. All women secretly have a girl-crush: one woman that they would be gay for. Find out who it is, and get her to offer the threesome. (It’s always better if you’re not the one to offer.) If your girlfriend’s girl-crush is someone famous and inaccessible, find a look-alike. It’s the next best thing. Your girlfriend will get to live out her secret lesbian fantasy, and you’ll get your threesome. It’s win-win.

3) Get your girlfriend in a dark room and start with some foreplay. Have the other girl sneak in and begin performing oral sex on your girlfriend. She will quickly realize that it’s not you, but if it’s done well she won’t pull away. You’ll be good to go.

4) As a last resort, let her have a threesome with you and another man first. No, you say? That’s disgusting? Well, think about how she feels? That’s why you shouldn’t have a threesome in the first place. Unless both people want to.

Just go to your local sex shop. They’ve got some stuff that’ll spice up your love life. I guarantee it, or I’ll pay you a million dollars*.

Good luck,

JC

*P.S. The above guarantee is not valid anywhere on Earth, elsewhere in the universe, or in the afterlife.

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How does an ostrich have sex, make love, or do the funky stuff??

October 18th, 2008

How does an ostrich have sex, make love, or do the funky stuff??

-Lily is Curious

Dear Lily,

Ostrich?! Oh, those things! I kind of messed up when I created the Ostrich. I had intentions on making a super size chicken to complement the Chick-fil-a worshipers but the concept never really took off (pun not intended). One of these days, I will complete my super size chicken; on this planet or on another planet, there will be a super size chicken.

So you’re curious on how the Ostriches do the funky stuff, make love, knock boots, have sex, and get it on. I bet you and all of your girlfriends got tired talking about your crappy husband’s love making skills and started to wonder off with the animals.

Well, I can’t tell you how ostrich’s get their grove on. Whatever they do should be a sacred practice just like with you and your love one.

Your Zoo Keeper,

JC.

P.S. If you really want to know, you can look at some ostrich porn on the National Geographic Channel.

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How Can I Turn Him Straight, And [Get Him To] Come Home To My Bed At Night??

October 18th, 2008

uh, Hi.. this is weird.. but I think I’ve fallen in love with my gay (male) room mate. He’s so hot.. I want him to be with me. How can I turn him straight, and [get him to] come home to my bed at night??
Waiting for your answer…
-Mary Smith

Dear Mary,
Wow, that is weird. Um… let me see if I understand you. You want to have sex with a man who’s had sex with other men? And you want me to tell you how to do it?

Why don’t you just ask me to tell you how to smoke crack while steering a car with your feet? You’ll be just as successful at it.

Don’t get me wrong — I applaud your effort. I’m sure that you’re doing it because you feel it’s the righteous thing to do, and not just out of lust. Because that would be terrible, and I’d have to bitch-slap you.

But regardless of your reasoning, it won’t work. You can’t turn a gay man straight. It’s impossible. Gay people are born gay.
God made gay people because He was bored. He felt that the world needed a bit more comedy, and everyone knows that effeminate men are hilarious. They also have a great fashion sense.

So, sorry, I can’t help you.

But think about this: are you really in love with him? I mean, if he’s your roommate you must have heard the sounds coming from his room as some big hairy dude jackhammered his posterior region. They couldn’t have been very manly sounds. Is that really what you want?

I think you’re probably more attracted to his gay style than his gay self. You like his Gucci shirts and his daily manicures. Get a metrosexual man. You’ll feel better.

Just make sure he’s not “on the down low.”

Peace,

Jesus

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Did You Die A Virgin? Is It Okay To Have Freaky Sex?

October 18th, 2008

Hey JC, did you die a virgin? i only ask because that whole thing about waiting untill your married is impossible. i love it. also is it ok to have freaky sex?

-Nacambus

Dear Nac,

It’s not impossible to wait until you’re married; it’s just highly improbable. Especially with the bodies on these chicks, nowadays. It’s gotta be the hormones in the beef…

But it can be a measure of your strength to abstain from sex. It’s something that you can feel good about. I’m sure that all your guy friends will admire your willpower when they’re discussing their sexual exploits and you proudly step forward and say, “I’m waiting for the right woman!”

And just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s good for you. There are a lot of permanent conditions that you can catch from having sex: AIDS, herpes, parenthood… the list goes on. So sex is not something to enter into lightly. There’s also the danger of having regrettable sex. Most people who’ve had sex have had sex that they regretted afterward. You can avoid that risk by abstaining altogether.

Just don’t be like all these Catholic priests who are telling me they’re not having sex, then they’re turning around and raping the altar boys. That’s not cool with me, man. If you can’t keep it in your pants, I’d much rather you have sex with a consenting adult.

As far as freaky sex goes, if you’re having sex it might as well be freaky. It doesn’t matter to me. Straps, whips, gags, creamed corn, it’s all the same to me. I draw the line at animals, though. Some people are just sick.

As far as whether or not I died a virgin… didn’t your preacher tell you that I did? Isn’t that enough for you? Hmmm… Let me put it this way: if I did have sex (and I’m not saying I did), then I was married at the time (and I’m not saying I was). And I rocked her world (assuming it happened, which I’m not saying it did.)

Phew!

Hoping I answered your question,

Jesus

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I Want To Know How To Spice It Up

October 18th, 2008

Big guy,

My girl and I have been dating for four years now and all is well…except one small thing…well in my case on big thing. Things between the sheets are becoming a little, well, should I say, dull? Don’t get me wrong, she’s great and I would never think of straying and no, I have turned to porn. It’s just things are becoming a little too routine and I want to know how to spice it up and have add to the flames with out hurting her feelings by bringing the subject up. She might take it the wrong way.

What should I do???

-Justin

Dear Justin,

Bring another girl in. And not just any girl — one with experience. You’ll have a great night, and your girlfriend might learn a thing or two. Or at the very least get more competitive.

What’s wrong with that? Is there something against threesomes in the Bible? If there is, I guarantee you it wasn’t a quote from me. Probably Luke, he was always a bit of a wet blanket.

But if you don’t want to take that path, fine. Your loss. Just remember this: good sex is 90% enthusiasm. So the trick is to find out how to get her more enthusiastic. Find out what she wants and give it to her, even if it’s a bit of a stretch. It should pay off for you in a big way.

Let me know how it works out,

JC

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How Do You Know If Your Teenage Daughter Is Sleeping Around?

October 18th, 2008

How do you know if your teenage daughter is sleeping around?

-Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

First of all, and this is very important, make sure that she has NO UNSUPERVISED CONTACT WITH R. KELLY.

With that out of the way, make sure she has no unsupervised contact with any other guy either.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way to be certain. Aside from that, just educate her. Have an honest discussion about the risks and dangers of sexual activity. And make sure you’re not being a slut yourself.

Forever Yours,

JC

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