Dear Mary,
Wow, that is weird. Um… let me see if I understand you. You want to have sex with a man who’s had sex with other men? And you want me to tell you how to do it?

Why don’t you just ask me to tell you how to smoke crack while steering a car with your feet? You’ll be just as successful at it.

Don’t get me wrong — I applaud your effort. I’m sure that you’re doing it because you feel it’s the righteous thing to do, and not just out of lust. Because that would be terrible, and I’d have to bitch-slap you.

But regardless of your reasoning, it won’t work. You can’t turn a gay man straight. It’s impossible. Gay people are born gay.
God made gay people because He was bored. He felt that the world needed a bit more comedy, and everyone knows that effeminate men are hilarious. They also have a great fashion sense.

So, sorry, I can’t help you.

But think about this: are you really in love with him? I mean, if he’s your roommate you must have heard the sounds coming from his room as some big hairy dude jackhammered his posterior region. They couldn’t have been very manly sounds. Is that really what you want?

I think you’re probably more attracted to his gay style than his gay self. You like his Gucci shirts and his daily manicures. Get a metrosexual man. You’ll feel better.

Just make sure he’s not “on the down low.”

Peace,

Jesus