I wanna know why is it that women have gotten such a bad wrap with driving? I’m a women and I can drive really well. I can even drive a manual! There are plenty of women who are fully capable drivers…even better than men. Take Danica Patrick for example: She’s one of the top racers in the IRL!!! Please explain to me why is it that women always get pinned with the bad wrap when it comes to the road?

-Box Car Racer

Dear Box Car Racer,

Do you know any really, really stupid guys? I mean someone so stupid that when Apple came out with the iPhone, he actually held it up to his eye and tried to talk?

That person, unfortunately, has no idea that he is so stupid. He probably thinks he’s just as smart as everyone else.

It’s the same thing with you and your driving. You’re not a good driver. You just think you are. But you’re a woman, which makes it very unlikely. Why? Because:

A) Women are almost never good drivers, and

B) Women are almost always wrong

LOL… I’m just kidding, ladies, you’re just as capable of driving as men are. I was just trying to be funny. I would never truly say anything so derogatory and chauvinistic.

So there’s no need to throw a hissy fit.

Thanks!

JC

- Patient Customer

Dear Patient Customer,

I understand how this boggles your mind. Disregarding the other “men” that still think fanny packs are cool, most men utilize these nifty little things called “wallets”. You just stuff whatever cash you have, pictures of your wife/girlfriend/the girl you’d like to be with/the other fall back girl you’d like to be with and so on.

Simple, but yet a smart concept which I would like to call “organization”.

Ladies have this thing where they must cram every single little thing in their purse making the seams hold together for dear life. Somewhere down there is that credit card she’s fishing for, while the checkout line gets held up.

This is what I like to call “disorganization”.

Even though you might want to pack light so you can accomplish your task in the most effective and efficient manner, there will always be the yang to disrupt your own harmony. Sometimes you need that disruption to slow your life down and give you that time you need to reflect, “what the hell is that lady packing in that purse?!”

Your enlightenment,

JC

Why weren’t they there to choose from at the beginning?

And why do men find “taken” women so attractive?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

First of all, it’s not hard for a girl to get a really good guy when she’s single — it’s just hard for a girl to get a really good guy. Period.

Those guys who are showing up now? They’re not really good guys. Especially if they’re riding in on tidal waves. God is clearly trying to flood them off the face of the Earth. (He has a history of that, you know.)

Why do men find “taken” women so attractive? At the risk of having my Guy Card revoked, I’m going to tell you: they find you attractive because they don’t have to deal with you all the time.

If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending most of your free time with your boyfriend/fiance/husband. You won’t be calling the guy all the time “just to say hi”, you won’t be dragging him to chick flicks, and you won’t be asking him to meet your parents. He won’t be expected to buy you anything expensive, because your boyfriend/fiance/husband would find it and get suspicious.

The most the guy would expect, provided he can talk his way into it, is an occasional no-questions-asked sexcapade in an office or a motel or a 1984 Chevy Caprice.

Which is exactly what the guy wants. Keep in mind that, as I said before, these are not really good guys.

I take it that, if you are ready to settle down, you’ve found yourself a really good guy. And apparently you weren’t in a committed relationship when you found him. So things do work out sometimes, don’t they?

Good luck to you in your relationship,

Jesus

-Buttcheeks

Dear Buttcheeks,

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

I thought Sir Mix-A-Lot did a great job, about 15 years ago, of explaining the fascination with the butt. Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t take a stab at it… um, the question, not the butt.

Some people think that men are attracted to a woman’s butt because it’s shaped like a big, juicy apple — just like the apple that was our original temptation in the Garden of Eden. That’s a good theory, and it explains why some men would put the entire human race in jeopardy to get some tail. But it doesn’t explain why so many men avoid eating actual fruit.

The truth of the matter is simple: guys (at least straight guys) don’t want women who have bodies like guys. Therefore, the body parts that are most distinctive on women are most attractive to men.

To put it even more simply: we want what we don’t got. A big voluptuous booty is generally not a male trait, so it is an attractive trait in a female. Big, bouncy breasts are not common in men, therefore they are attractive in women. If beer guts and mustaches were common on women and practically nonexistent on men, we’d be attracted to those too.

Note to women: Beer guts and mustaches are common on men and are therefore NOT attractive on you!!!

Despite what the modeling industry tries to tell you, most men don’t like women with the bodies of teenaged boys. Those that do… probably like teenaged boys.

I hope I was able to answer your question, Buttcheeks.

Love always,

Jesus

P.S. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.