-Mr. Bo Planters

Dear Mr. Planters,

I can see why it doesn’t make sense to you that some of my followers worship the cross. It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s like if Martin Luther King Jr.’s followers hung little rifles all over the place in his honor. Or if Dracula fans hung wooden stakes around their necks.

Or remember that guy in Seatlle who died from injuries sustained while allowing a horse to sodomize him? It would be like if his family put little wooden horse penises all over their homes. It just wouldn’t add up.

As far as the use of my image goes, I would prefer a different representation. Nobody likes to get lynched, but seeing little statues of your lynching all over the place can be really nerve-wracking. First of all, it wasn’t my best day. I look emaciated, weak, and defeated. I was a pretty strong guy in my lifetime. And I was also very good-looking (if I do say so myself). I’d rather be depicted with my shirt off, the sun on my back, muscles rippling as I hauled in a net full of fish. That would be hot.

But I get the idea: people want to be reminded of my suffering. And that’s fine if that’s what you use the cross for. But don’t use it as an ornament to impress your friends. Don’t cover it with expensive, ostentatious jewels and precious metals. What message is that sending? That I suffered so that you could get rich?

Um… no, I didn’t. Jackass.

But the real reason that people are so obsessed with the cross reaches back through history to the time of Constantine. And I don’t mean the movie starring Keanu “I Do All My Acting With One Facial Expression” Reeves. I mean Flavius Valerius Aurelius LeeRoy Constantinus, the Roman Emporer who in 325 AD summoned the Council of Nicaea, which basically transformed Christianity into a more easily swallowed pill.

“In hoc signo vinces.” Constantine claimed to have received this message in a dream along with a vision of a cross. It’s basically Latin for “in this sign you will conquer.” And that’s what he did.

And that’s the basis for what the majority of Christians believe today. Christianity lasted less than 300 years before becoming a tool that power-grabbing leaders could use to manipulate the masses. But, hey, I’m not bitter.

On a related subject, Barack Obama recently decided to stop wearing his flag-shaped lapel pin all the time. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, wearing the pin became a fad for US citizens who wanted to appear patriotic, particularly for politicians and journalists. Obama says that he’d rather let his words and actions demonstrate his patriotism, and that he doesn’t need a flag pin to show it.

Amazingly, he’s getting criticized for his decision. Now I’m not the biggest Barack Obama fan in the world, but I can appreciate the choice he’s making. I understand.

A lot of people use the cross to show that they’re Christians instead of showing it through their words and actions. Which is a shame, because a lot of people who wear the cross aren’t really Christians. So please, people, show your Christianity through your deeds, not through an image of a torture device on a chain around your neck.

Adios,

Jesus