All your burning questions answered!
Archive for April, 2010
My Married Coworker Asked Me To Go To the Bar With Her? Should I Go?
Apr 9th
Dear Jesus,
I work at a car dealership and for the most part there are older people there as co-workers. But recently we hired a female sales person the same age as me. She’s always hanging around my desk and even asked me to goto the bar with her. Heres the catch she’s married. You think she just wants to pick my brain on how to sell cars? Should I just ignore her? or should I actually grab a drink with her one night?
-Francis
Dear Francis,
That depends: is she hot?
Just kidding, just kidding. (But really, though: is she hot? You didn’t say…)
Anyway, Francis, there’s no harm in a drink after a stressful work day. I know how hard sales can be. You should try selling salvation sometime. I don’t even try to push the extended warranty anymore. Nobody wants it. Sin is so much sexier. It’s stressful, man.
So sometimes after a long day, I just need a drink. (Luckily I can just run some tap water and turn it into the finest Chardonnay.) Maybe this lady feels the same way: she just needs a drink. And maybe since you’re one of the only people close to her age, she feels a connection with you.
Now, once you’re at the bar with her, you have to pay attention to the clues to see whether she wants something more. Does she avoid talking about her husband? Does she play with her hair when she talks to you? Does she stick her tongue in your mouth? These are some of the subtle clues you can look for that indicate she might be flirting with you.
If she is flirting with you, don’t panic. This is what you do: start talking about me. For some reason, my name cools off flirtatious women faster than liquid nitrogen. Just tell her that you talk to me all the time, and that I make all of your decisions for you. Then discuss how great I am and how she should get to know me better as well.
She’ll probably lose all interest in you as anything more than a friend. If you talk me up enough, she might actually be interested in getting to know me. Which is a blessed thing.
Especially if she’s hot!
Thanks for the question,
JC
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
Apr 3rd
Dear Jay Double E,
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
-Joey
Dear Joey,
Algebra was created around the time of the events in the book of Exodus. Have you ever read that thing? Once you get past Chapter 25 it’s like nothing but word problems!
Take this example from Exodus Chapter 26, verses 7 through 10:
“And thou shalt make curtains of goats’ hair to be a covering upon the tabernacle: eleven curtains shalt thou make. The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and the eleven curtains shall be all of one measure. And thou shalt couple five curtains by themselves, and six curtains by themselves, and shalt double the sixth curtain in the forefront of the tabernacle. And thou shalt make fifty loops on the edge of the one curtain that is outmost in the coupling, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain which coupleth the second.”
Still awake? No? Okay, I’ll wait… Awake now? Good. Now, in the above example, how were Moses and his posse supposed to know how much goat hair they needed to complete their project? Not to mention the rams’ skins, badger skins, and shittim wood they were going to need later? God is very particular when it comes to decorating, and He won’t tolerate a half-assed job. It’s for this reason that they had to come up with algebra.
For example, say you know that one goat provides 20 square cubits of goat hair (whatever the hell a “cubit” is). How many goats will need to be slaughtered in order to make 11 curtains, each of which is 30 cubits long and 4 cubits wide? You would use the equation X=(11)(30×4)/20. Solving for X, you would find that you needed 66 goats.
Now, say you wanted to figure out how many people those goats would be able to feed after you slaughtered them so you could make your curtains. Say, for example, that each man could eat one whole goat in a week. Each woman could eat half a goat in the same time period, and each child could eat an eighth of a goat. How many people would be fed within a week by the 66 goats if the group is 40% men, 40% women, and 20% children?
Um… I leave that one for you, Joey. Not that I can’t do it, it’s just that… um… Easter is coming up, and I’m due to make appearances in a tree stump, a slice of toast, a Cheeto, and a newborn baby’s birthmark. Then I’ll get a cut of the proceeds when all of those items are sold on eBay. Um, except the baby.
They’ll have to sell that on Craigslist.
Thanks!
JC
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a "weekend"?
Apr 2nd
Dear Jeesus,
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a “weekend”?
Thanks so much & God bless!
-April
Dear April,
I’m really not supposed to tell you this. I could get in trouble. But here goes: not all jobs make you work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Only the really crappy ones do.
I, for one, have never worked an 8-hour day. All those stories you heard about my great works are true, but they left out one detail: I clocked out at 2pm every day. Sometimes I went fishing. (It’s easy to avoid spooking the trout when you can walk on the water.) Sometimes I studied nuclear physics. Sometimes I performed in kabuki theatre. Sometimes I time-travelled to the future and helped paint angry picket signs for abortion protesters.
The point is that I had a lot of time on my hands. You should too. You’re not meant to spend 40 hours of your week wasting away as a cog in someone else’s machine. Not unless it’s my machine, anyway. And my machine cranks out peace and love. And also miniature combs that are used to get tangles out of people’s beards. (Until you have a beard, you have no idea how important those are.)
But what you’re meant to do is live a life of enjoyment. You’re meant to explore this wonderful world you were given. You’re meant to let your spirit soar.
But don’t tell anyone I told you all this. If the wrong people find out, I could lose my sponsorships from Pepsi and Adidas. And then I’ll be forced to get a real job. Not to mention losing my free kicks and my unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper.
But enough about me. If you have to work your 5-day-a-week, 8-hour-a-day job then try to be optimistic about it. Remember that there are a lot of people who work more than 8 hours a day and more than 5 days a week. Those people deserve our respect and admiration. But we’re also glad we’re not them, right? Those crazy suckers.
So work your job with your head held high and a smile on your face, and on the weekends let your spirit soar.
Your friend always,
JC
Why Would Anyone Exit a Restroom Without Washing Hands?
Apr 1st
Dear Jeesus,
I know that you are allegedly a boy and therefore should not spend too much time in ladies restrooms, but I’m sure this occurs elsewhere as well… Anyway, I’m really hoping you can tell me why in the world would anyone ever think it is okay to exit a restroom without washing their hands first? More specifically a public restroom, maybe at their place of employment? Is there ever a time when this is truly an acceptable practice? Any insight would be appreciated!
ps- Thank Go… err, your Father… for anti-bac hand sanitizer!!
-Eww!
Dear Eww!,
What do you mean I’m “allegedly a boy”? Just what are you implying? I’ll have you know that I’m all man. Well, okay, maybe with a little bit of God thrown in, but mostly man. And a manly man, too. A carpenter and a fisherman. The outdoorsy type, good with my hands. I drive racecars, shoot handguns, and drink moonshine. All at the same time. I’m that kind of man.
Anyway, on to your question: I, too, have noticed that a lot of people use the restroom and do not wash their hands afterward. It may seem disgusting and unsanitary, but in fact these people are not the lost souls that you think they are. In fact, they are the most pious among you.
See, back in the old days, we didn’t have all the fancy Purell antibacterial hand-sanitizers that we have today. So what did we do? Simple: we prayed our hands clean.
“Dear Lord,” we would say. “Please removeth Thy germs (which Thou in Thy everlasting wisdom created) so that I wilt not catcheth the plague nor the syphilis. Nor shall I catcheth the pink-eye, from which no eye-drop shall deliver me. Verily I pray. Amen.” And the germs would disappear from our hands by magic… er… I mean, by miracle.
Sure, sometimes people would still get the pinkeye, but those were the people who lacked faith. And now more and more people are lacking faith; they are placing their fate in the hands of the false gods known as Johnson & Johnson.
So the people who do not wash their hands are simply practicing the old ways. You should not shun them. On the contrary: you should kiss their hands next time you see them, to thank them for showing you the way.
Ye of little faith, it is you who must mend your ways. Only the power of prayer can truly cleanse your hands. And it will cleanse your soul as well.
Forever yours,
Jeesus
