Dear Jeesus,

I know that you are allegedly a boy and therefore should not spend too much time in ladies restrooms,  but I’m sure this occurs elsewhere as well…  Anyway, I’m really hoping you can tell me why in the world would anyone ever think it is okay to exit a restroom without washing their hands first?  More specifically a public restroom, maybe at their place of employment?  Is there ever a time when this is truly an acceptable practice?  Any insight would be appreciated!

ps- Thank Go… err, your Father… for anti-bac hand sanitizer!!

-Eww!

Dear Eww!,

What do you mean I’m “allegedly a boy”? Just what are you implying? I’ll have you know that I’m all man. Well, okay, maybe with a little bit of God thrown in, but mostly man. And a manly man, too. A carpenter and a fisherman. The outdoorsy type, good with my hands. I drive racecars, shoot handguns, and drink moonshine. All at the same time. I’m that kind of man.

Anyway, on to your question: I, too, have noticed that a lot of people use the restroom and do not wash their hands afterward. It may seem disgusting and unsanitary, but in fact these people are not the lost souls that you think they are. In fact, they are the most pious among you.

See, back in the old days, we didn’t have all the fancy Purell antibacterial hand-sanitizers that we have today. So what did we do? Simple: we prayed our hands clean.

“Dear Lord,” we would say. “Please removeth Thy germs (which Thou in Thy everlasting wisdom created) so that I wilt not catcheth the plague nor the syphilis. Nor shall I catcheth the pink-eye, from which no eye-drop shall deliver me. Verily I pray. Amen.” And the germs would disappear from our hands by magic… er… I mean, by miracle.

Sure, sometimes people would still get the pinkeye, but those were the people who lacked faith. And now more and more people are lacking faith; they are placing their fate in the hands of the false gods known as Johnson & Johnson.

So the people who do not wash their hands are simply practicing the old ways. You should not shun them. On the contrary: you should kiss their hands next time you see them, to thank them for showing you the way.

Ye of little faith, it is you who must mend your ways. Only the power of prayer can truly cleanse your hands. And it will cleanse your soul as well.

Forever yours,

Jeesus