All your burning questions answered!
mattsumaru
This user hasn't shared any biographical information
Posts by mattsumaru
My Married Coworker Asked Me To Go To the Bar With Her? Should I Go?
Apr 9th
Dear Jesus,
I work at a car dealership and for the most part there are older people there as co-workers. But recently we hired a female sales person the same age as me. She’s always hanging around my desk and even asked me to goto the bar with her. Heres the catch she’s married. You think she just wants to pick my brain on how to sell cars? Should I just ignore her? or should I actually grab a drink with her one night?
-Francis
Dear Francis,
That depends: is she hot?
Just kidding, just kidding. (But really, though: is she hot? You didn’t say…)
Anyway, Francis, there’s no harm in a drink after a stressful work day. I know how hard sales can be. You should try selling salvation sometime. I don’t even try to push the extended warranty anymore. Nobody wants it. Sin is so much sexier. It’s stressful, man.
So sometimes after a long day, I just need a drink. (Luckily I can just run some tap water and turn it into the finest Chardonnay.) Maybe this lady feels the same way: she just needs a drink. And maybe since you’re one of the only people close to her age, she feels a connection with you.
Now, once you’re at the bar with her, you have to pay attention to the clues to see whether she wants something more. Does she avoid talking about her husband? Does she play with her hair when she talks to you? Does she stick her tongue in your mouth? These are some of the subtle clues you can look for that indicate she might be flirting with you.
If she is flirting with you, don’t panic. This is what you do: start talking about me. For some reason, my name cools off flirtatious women faster than liquid nitrogen. Just tell her that you talk to me all the time, and that I make all of your decisions for you. Then discuss how great I am and how she should get to know me better as well.
She’ll probably lose all interest in you as anything more than a friend. If you talk me up enough, she might actually be interested in getting to know me. Which is a blessed thing.
Especially if she’s hot!
Thanks for the question,
JC
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
Apr 3rd
Dear Jay Double E,
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
-Joey
Dear Joey,
Algebra was created around the time of the events in the book of Exodus. Have you ever read that thing? Once you get past Chapter 25 it’s like nothing but word problems!
Take this example from Exodus Chapter 26, verses 7 through 10:
“And thou shalt make curtains of goats’ hair to be a covering upon the tabernacle: eleven curtains shalt thou make. The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and the eleven curtains shall be all of one measure. And thou shalt couple five curtains by themselves, and six curtains by themselves, and shalt double the sixth curtain in the forefront of the tabernacle. And thou shalt make fifty loops on the edge of the one curtain that is outmost in the coupling, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain which coupleth the second.”
Still awake? No? Okay, I’ll wait… Awake now? Good. Now, in the above example, how were Moses and his posse supposed to know how much goat hair they needed to complete their project? Not to mention the rams’ skins, badger skins, and shittim wood they were going to need later? God is very particular when it comes to decorating, and He won’t tolerate a half-assed job. It’s for this reason that they had to come up with algebra.
For example, say you know that one goat provides 20 square cubits of goat hair (whatever the hell a “cubit” is). How many goats will need to be slaughtered in order to make 11 curtains, each of which is 30 cubits long and 4 cubits wide? You would use the equation X=(11)(30×4)/20. Solving for X, you would find that you needed 66 goats.
Now, say you wanted to figure out how many people those goats would be able to feed after you slaughtered them so you could make your curtains. Say, for example, that each man could eat one whole goat in a week. Each woman could eat half a goat in the same time period, and each child could eat an eighth of a goat. How many people would be fed within a week by the 66 goats if the group is 40% men, 40% women, and 20% children?
Um… I leave that one for you, Joey. Not that I can’t do it, it’s just that… um… Easter is coming up, and I’m due to make appearances in a tree stump, a slice of toast, a Cheeto, and a newborn baby’s birthmark. Then I’ll get a cut of the proceeds when all of those items are sold on eBay. Um, except the baby.
They’ll have to sell that on Craigslist.
Thanks!
JC
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a "weekend"?
Apr 2nd
Dear Jeesus,
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a “weekend”?
Thanks so much & God bless!
-April
Dear April,
I’m really not supposed to tell you this. I could get in trouble. But here goes: not all jobs make you work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Only the really crappy ones do.
I, for one, have never worked an 8-hour day. All those stories you heard about my great works are true, but they left out one detail: I clocked out at 2pm every day. Sometimes I went fishing. (It’s easy to avoid spooking the trout when you can walk on the water.) Sometimes I studied nuclear physics. Sometimes I performed in kabuki theatre. Sometimes I time-travelled to the future and helped paint angry picket signs for abortion protesters.
The point is that I had a lot of time on my hands. You should too. You’re not meant to spend 40 hours of your week wasting away as a cog in someone else’s machine. Not unless it’s my machine, anyway. And my machine cranks out peace and love. And also miniature combs that are used to get tangles out of people’s beards. (Until you have a beard, you have no idea how important those are.)
But what you’re meant to do is live a life of enjoyment. You’re meant to explore this wonderful world you were given. You’re meant to let your spirit soar.
But don’t tell anyone I told you all this. If the wrong people find out, I could lose my sponsorships from Pepsi and Adidas. And then I’ll be forced to get a real job. Not to mention losing my free kicks and my unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper.
But enough about me. If you have to work your 5-day-a-week, 8-hour-a-day job then try to be optimistic about it. Remember that there are a lot of people who work more than 8 hours a day and more than 5 days a week. Those people deserve our respect and admiration. But we’re also glad we’re not them, right? Those crazy suckers.
So work your job with your head held high and a smile on your face, and on the weekends let your spirit soar.
Your friend always,
JC
Why Would Anyone Exit a Restroom Without Washing Hands?
Apr 1st
Dear Jeesus,
I know that you are allegedly a boy and therefore should not spend too much time in ladies restrooms, but I’m sure this occurs elsewhere as well… Anyway, I’m really hoping you can tell me why in the world would anyone ever think it is okay to exit a restroom without washing their hands first? More specifically a public restroom, maybe at their place of employment? Is there ever a time when this is truly an acceptable practice? Any insight would be appreciated!
ps- Thank Go… err, your Father… for anti-bac hand sanitizer!!
-Eww!
Dear Eww!,
What do you mean I’m “allegedly a boy”? Just what are you implying? I’ll have you know that I’m all man. Well, okay, maybe with a little bit of God thrown in, but mostly man. And a manly man, too. A carpenter and a fisherman. The outdoorsy type, good with my hands. I drive racecars, shoot handguns, and drink moonshine. All at the same time. I’m that kind of man.
Anyway, on to your question: I, too, have noticed that a lot of people use the restroom and do not wash their hands afterward. It may seem disgusting and unsanitary, but in fact these people are not the lost souls that you think they are. In fact, they are the most pious among you.
See, back in the old days, we didn’t have all the fancy Purell antibacterial hand-sanitizers that we have today. So what did we do? Simple: we prayed our hands clean.
“Dear Lord,” we would say. “Please removeth Thy germs (which Thou in Thy everlasting wisdom created) so that I wilt not catcheth the plague nor the syphilis. Nor shall I catcheth the pink-eye, from which no eye-drop shall deliver me. Verily I pray. Amen.” And the germs would disappear from our hands by magic… er… I mean, by miracle.
Sure, sometimes people would still get the pinkeye, but those were the people who lacked faith. And now more and more people are lacking faith; they are placing their fate in the hands of the false gods known as Johnson & Johnson.
So the people who do not wash their hands are simply practicing the old ways. You should not shun them. On the contrary: you should kiss their hands next time you see them, to thank them for showing you the way.
Ye of little faith, it is you who must mend your ways. Only the power of prayer can truly cleanse your hands. And it will cleanse your soul as well.
Forever yours,
Jeesus
Dear Jeesus…why is it that when I drop something it ALWAYS rolls under the exact middle of what I am near (i.e. sofa, car, etc)?
Mar 29th
Dear Jeesus…why is it that when I drop something it ALWAYS rolls under the exact middle of what I am near (i.e. sofa, car, etc)?
-Dino
Dear Dino,
That depends on what you’re dropping. If you’re dropping babies or small animals, then they’re rolling under things intentionally to try to get away from you. They’re scared of you, because you keep dropping them. You should probably stop.
If you’re dropping things that aren’t alive, then they must be round if they’re rolling under things. That means that you’re most likely dropping either coins or some kind of balls (baseballs, tennis balls, marbles, etc.)
If you’re dropping money, you probably have too much of it. A person who really needed the money would probably do a better job of holding onto it. Therefore, since you don’t really need the money, it is gravitating to an area where those who need it will find it. After all, a person has to really need a dime to be willing to crawl under a Buick for it.
If it’s balls you’re dropping, then you should really take better care of your balls. It’s okay to juggle them from time to time, bounce them up and down, or toss them around; in fact, I encourage you to play with them as much as possible. But you definitely don’t want to be too careless with them and end up losing one. And make sure that anyone else who plays with your balls takes good care of them as well.
Wait… something about that last paragraph doesn’t seem right, but I can’t think of what it is. Oh, well. I’m sure you get the idea.
Oh, yeah, one more thing: if you care about your balls, never ever let the dog get hold of them.
Thanks!
Jeesus
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
Nov 13th
Hey Man,
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
R
Dear R,
Easy as pie. Here’s the sheet you sent me with your question. The numbers are all filled in.
Let me know if you have anything really challenging for me, because I did that one while I was half asleep and half watching House M.D. on Hulu. That doctor cracks me up.
Hope this helps. We can all use some extra credit in life.
Peace out,
Hay Zeus
Why does my girlfriend have this infatuation with buying Coach purses?
Nov 12th
Why does my girlfriend have this infatuation with buying Coach purses? they are so ugly and expensive, Can’t she buy something else with that money that she is going to waste on that purse, she can buy more other things for her like, bras, socks, panties, makeup…. but come on!!!! a coach purse???? you have got to do something about this, PLEASE HELP!!! A brother in need!!! thanks you jeesus , IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER THE SON AND ALL THAT IS HIGH MIGHTY SPIRIT,,,AAAAAMEN!!! good night, see you soon. well not soon but one day I hope, yopu are going to have to accept me up there cause down below they are afraid I might take over they don’t want me there… bye bye,
Angelo
Dear Angelo,
It’s one of the great mysteries of the universe: what is it that women love so much about those overpriced designer purses?
I’ve seen women spend so much money on their purses that they don’t have any money left to put into the purse they just bought. Then they can’t afford to buy food. Then all I hear is: “Jeeeesuuus… can you take me to Red Lobbbbsterrrr? Pleeeeeease?”
But enough about my problems. Angelo, the simple fact is that women are crazy. They’re completely insane. Anyone who shells out two weeks’ pay for something that has the exact same functionality as a five dollar handbag is completely nuts. Heck, it has the same functionality as a plastic grocery bag.
And they’ll even spend a couple hundred bucks on a knockoff of a designer purse. And they’ll think that they’re getting a deal.
If guys spend that kind of money on something, you can bet that we can use it to play video games, watch movies, do our taxes, record video, improve our sex lives, cook dinner, build things, and blow things up. And that’s all in one device.
A purse, no matter how expensive it is, does nothing but stop gravity from dragging your useless crap more than a foot away from your shoulder.
I could almost understand if the purses even looked especially stylish or unique. But all of those designer purses look the same, and they all look like Felix The Cat’s magical bag of tricks.
Except that Felix The Cat’s bag could transform into a hot air balloon or a racecar. What can your girlfriend’s bag do? Hold tampons and TicTacs.
So there’s your answer, Angelo. Women are out of their freaking minds. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Have fun at the Coach store.
Your friend,
Jesus
Why is my mom so strict?
Nov 5th
Why is my mom so strict? I do everything I can to always be my best and show her I am responsible, but nothing seems to work. Having straight A’s in school and a job doesn’t seem to be enough. What else can I do?
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!
If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.
Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.
So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.
Good luck!
JC
Who determined the order of the alphabet letters?
Nov 3rd
Why is A before B and B before C and Z at the end of the alphabet? Who determined the order of the alphbet letters? Is there a logic to this order?
-Michelle
Dear Michelle,
As you probably already know, the English system of letters is based on the Latin system that was used by the ancient Romans (jerks), which was in turn based on the system that was used by the ancient Greeks (also jerks). The word “alphabet”, as you know, is derived from the first two Greek letters: alpha and beta. The Greek letters are derived from the ancient Phoenician letters, which are based on the Canaanite letters. The Canaanite letters were pictoral, and therefore had specific meanings, which they lent to the Phoenician letters. For example, alpha meant “ox” and beta meant “house”. But of course you already knew that.
What you might not have known is that the Canaanites put their alphabet in order of which objects were most important to them in life. The ox (alpha) provided them with food and a means of farming and transport. It was therefore essential to their livelihood, so they put it first. Next came the house (beta), which (since they needed it for shelter) was also necessary for survival in their harsh environment. After that came gamma, which meant “opium”; delta, which meant “money”; epsilon, which meant “blowjob”; and so on… all the way down to omega, which meant “wife”.
As time went on and the alphabet evolved through different cultures, the letters changed somewhat. Unfortunately, the priorities never did.
So that’s how the order of the alphabet was determined. Luckily for us, it makes a pretty catchy song. Even if it is just ripping off the tune from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.
Thanks for your question!
Your pal,
Jeesus
P.S. Don’t ask me about the order of the letters on your QWERTY keyboard. That makes no sense at all. Especially when it’s used on a cell phone. Is anyone actually typing on those things? No! Jerks.
How Do I Give My Cat A Bath?
Oct 8th
Dear Jeesus (or as my hispanic friends know you as Hay-seuss),
Everyday I come home from work to see my beloved cat giving himself a bath. He licks to and fro, and eventually makes it down to his junk region. Although to watch is rather humorous, it is sometimes disgusting if you are trying to eat a delicious Taco Bell chicken burritos.
How do I give my cat a bath without him scratching my face to ground beef?
Dave
Dear Dave,
What a coincidence. I just got a letter from your cat complaining that, every time he tries to lick his butt, you ruin the experience for him by eating one of those disgusting Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Seriously, Dave, there’s a reason that Taco Bell is the biggest fast food chain in Hell. And it’s not just because of the Fire sauce.
But on to your question.
Cat-washing has been a problem that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. As you know, when Noah built the ark he brought two of each animal along for the journey: one male and one female. Well, we all know what happens when you put a male and a female cat together. (It wasn’t until fifty years after the flood that Bob Barker was born, to urge us to have our pets spayed or neutered.)
Have you ever been woken up at night by two cats having sex LOUDLY outside your window? Well, imagine having to deal with that for forty nights in a row! After the thirtieth night Noah couldn’t take it anymore, and he tossed the cats overboard. Luckily (for cat lovers at least) Noah’s wife managed to rescue the female cat, which was already pregnant with kittens. But to this day, cats are horribly terrified of drowning.
So it’s extremely difficult to get them into the water. People have tried everything from bait to babies, with little success. It seems the best way to wash a cat is to hire a chimp to do the job for you.
Actually, I did find a human who seems to know how it’s done.
Of course, none of these is the way that the cat would prefer. If it was up to the cat, you would use your tongue. But you probably wouldn’t enjoy that very much.
Then again, you do like those Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Good luck!
Your friend in Christ,
um… Christ
