tampa railroad hobo

Dear Lord

WHY, and there is a HUGE emphasis on the WHY, Why is it that as we get progressively older as humans men get better looking, more attractive, and literally sexier than they were at 20; whereas woman well…lets just say when men get divorced at an older age they don’t go for another woman within their age group: they go for some 20 year old pin up doll and then when we’re left single and go for another older men.

As women when we begin to age our breast begin to um, give way to the natural effect of gravity. Our skin loosens, our butts aren’t as firm, our faces wrinkle (which on an aging man is very becoming), our eyes yellow, nails become brittle, our hair thins out and the list goes on and on.

Yet I would have to say the two worst things that happen to us as a women and our cursed bodies is the physical transformation of both the outer and the inner body. We as women want so badly to have the child (or children) of man that we are so in love with and give our entire lives to him. So we have a night of passionate love making or a one night stand or quickie, get pregnant, go through nine months of bodily transformation that will never be fully reversed (without plastic surgery and pain), have 1-to God knows how many children and get completely shafted.

Now I’m not complaining about the pregnancy, birth or child part, to me that is a glorious miracle that I really wish men could experience. What I am referring to is the aftermath. The external things that the entire world can see. The stretch marks that will never let you where a bikini to the beach again. The not so firm and subtle breast that are left sagging after breast feeding for a year and now have become your baby’s pacifier and favorite object to grab when it used to be your husbands. The thinning hair that you dye and curl try to hide the grays. Now we get to the internal…or at least the part that no one sees but your husband is able to feel (and see). The stretching of the vagina, it NEVER goes back to the way it was before. It is forever marked as your child’s entrance into this world, unless you had a cesarean section which is even more horrendous in different but scarring ways.

Now I don’t want you to get this twisted I’m not some emotionally weak, lack of self esteem, self worth, or have some distorted view of my physical appearance. I’m very happy in my skin and who I am as a woman and know that having children is what I want in my life (along with a prosperous carrier which I’m sure you are going to bless with me with, you know the field that I’m studying ). I simply want to know why it is that men get better looking and physically more appealing as they get older (especially in the baby making area), whereas women just deteriorate for lack of better words. If my mama didn’t raise me right I would be very depressed right now.

Just tell me why. Is it because you’re a man and you though it would be funny to just make men luckier than women or is it because Eve fudged it up for all women of all time?

-pissed off at men

Dear pissed off at men,

Well, I had to take my spank’in new Apple Macbook to the pool side, not just to tan my rock hard body, but to read your crazy long question under the peaceful sun. Oh, I wish everybody could just step outside for a quick minute and feel this warm radiant heat but I must digress.

Back to you dilemma; so you’re saying you don’t like the gifts of stretch marks, saggy tata’s, brittle nails, thinning hair, etc?! Damn it! I had it wrong this whole time!! I mean, Peter, Andrew, James and John (my homies aka The Disciplez) kept on teasing me about my horrible taste of women and I just brushed it off while saying to myself, ‘What do they know about women?!”

Ultimately, I never found that perfect, captivating woman and now I know why. Thanks for bringing this to light!

Even though men become better looking over time and you have to give up those hot body features all the boys in the sandbox went ‘gaga’ for, you have something that no man has: the gift to give life. Enough said. Hard to believe? There’s this guy that longed to give birth to a child for the longest time. He envies you!

So cheer up! After giving birth, your life is not over. You can always join the prestigious, growing society of MILF’s and/or Cougar’s. **RAWR!** Go out there and have some fun you sly-devil hunter you. I’ll forgive you this one time, just don’t forget to go to church this week and ask for forgiveness. Hell, you can even blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.

Oh, look at the time. I have to take a shower, iron my clothes and get ready to meet up with the Disciplez at the club tonight.

A proud promoter of Axe body spray,

Jeesus