All your burning questions answered!
Other Stuff
How Can I Tell My Friend Her Myspace Page Makes Her Look Like A Porn Star?
Oct 18th
How can I tell my friend her myspace page makes her look like a Porn Star?
-Shontee
Dear Shontee,
If your friend’s MySpace page makes her look like a porn star, that’s probably what she wants to look like. For many people, porn star is a desirable title. It has the word “star” in it, at least. So for someone who hasn’t managed to become any other type of star, “porn star” might be the way to go.
If you want her to change her MySpace page, tell her it makes her look like something less prestigious: like a “crack whore”. Nobody wants to be a crack whore.
No little girl ever said, “I wanna be a crack whore when I grow up.” Not even crack whores want to be crack whores. You can also try terms like “slut”, “skank”, “hussy”, “floozy”, or “village bicycle”. But I think “crack whore” will work the best.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. Umm… what’s your friend’s MySpace URL? I need to see it for… um… business reasons. Jesus stuff. You understand. Thanks!
Jesus wants you to know He is not happy
Oct 18th
Jesus is a bit chagrined that He hasn’t gotten more response thus far. He figured that an easy, user-friendly outlet to receive the answers to all the mysteries of the universe would be an enticing offer.
He’s starting to blame us for not getting the word out enough. We’re doing all we can. As they say, however: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
Come on, little horseys, you know you’re thirsty…
Sorry. Jesus just told me that I shouldn’t call you people little horseys. He prefers to think of you as lambs.
Anyway, He awaits your most profound queries. Simply email your questions to askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Jesus will respond very quickly, and one of us will post His reply. Thank you.
His humble servant,
13th Apostle
The Question Jesus Gets Asked The Most
Oct 18th
Sup, dawgs, Jesus here.
There’s one question I get asked more than any other, so I just want to get the issue cleared up once and for all so that we can move on to other, perhaps more important, issues. I realize that it’s a very divisive topic, and I don’t want to seem like I’m taking sides. But it seems like practically every other person I meet wants to know where I stand.
So before I give you my answer, I just want to make it clear that this is not a critical issue. You will not fall out of my favor or go to hell for disagreeing with me on this. I know that you Christians strive to live as I lived, but this is just my personal preference, not a matter of religious doctrine. It’s okay to disagree.
That being said, here’s my answer:
Boxers.
Those tighty whiteys just aren’t roomy enough, if you know what I mean.
Thanks,
Jesus Christ
Wow! We're finally up and limping!!
Oct 18th
AskJeesus’ first post and still trying to figure this shit out. Another entry should be up shortly, briefly describing: how this blog is going to work, the purpose of the site (if you haven’t read the title of the site yet), many different features and writings, and blah blah blah!
Hang in there friends!!
About Me
Apr 27th
Howdy, folks! It’s me, your old pal, Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hardworking”.) I’m on the grind as always, saving souls and taking names. As a matter of fact, I’ve made Employee of The Month up here over 24,000 times in a row!
But as I said, it’s hard work! I’ve been getting a LOT of questions from you folks lately:
“Jesus, why do we have war and poverty?”…
“Jesus, why is my brother such an idiot?”…
“Jesus, who would you vote for on American Idol?”…
…and so on and so on.
Hey, I’m not complaining: it’s what I’m here for. It’s one of the responsibilities that comes with being an omniscient Messiah. It’s just that, with all of my other responsibilities around the world, the constant flow of questions is becoming a little difficult to handle.
I considered just pushing them to the back burner and coming back to them later. But then I glanced down at the letters printed on my wristband. “WWID” What Would I Do?
Between that and the “Live Strong” bracelet on my other arm, I’m never at a loss for inspiration.
I’d noted the success of web sites like “AskJeeves” at answering people’s questions. If a cartoon butler can do it, I thought, why can’t I? I figured it might help organize the flow of questions, as well as provide a place to display the answers for all to see. (That way, I won’t keep getting asked the same things over and over again. I HATE that!)
Anyway, I put together a web site and assembled a crack, smokin’ staff to maintain it for me. Cause, to be honest, I’m not very internet-savvy myself. But my staff members tell me that you can just submit your questions via email (askjeesus1@askjeesus.net) or by clicking on the submit button on top of the web page and I’ll give them the answers, which will then be posted on the site. Sounds pretty simple to me.
