All your burning questions answered!
Personal Hygiene Questions
Why Would Anyone Exit a Restroom Without Washing Hands?
Apr 1st
Dear Jeesus,
I know that you are allegedly a boy and therefore should not spend too much time in ladies restrooms, but I’m sure this occurs elsewhere as well… Anyway, I’m really hoping you can tell me why in the world would anyone ever think it is okay to exit a restroom without washing their hands first? More specifically a public restroom, maybe at their place of employment? Is there ever a time when this is truly an acceptable practice? Any insight would be appreciated!
ps- Thank Go… err, your Father… for anti-bac hand sanitizer!!
-Eww!
Dear Eww!,
What do you mean I’m “allegedly a boy”? Just what are you implying? I’ll have you know that I’m all man. Well, okay, maybe with a little bit of God thrown in, but mostly man. And a manly man, too. A carpenter and a fisherman. The outdoorsy type, good with my hands. I drive racecars, shoot handguns, and drink moonshine. All at the same time. I’m that kind of man.
Anyway, on to your question: I, too, have noticed that a lot of people use the restroom and do not wash their hands afterward. It may seem disgusting and unsanitary, but in fact these people are not the lost souls that you think they are. In fact, they are the most pious among you.
See, back in the old days, we didn’t have all the fancy Purell antibacterial hand-sanitizers that we have today. So what did we do? Simple: we prayed our hands clean.
“Dear Lord,” we would say. “Please removeth Thy germs (which Thou in Thy everlasting wisdom created) so that I wilt not catcheth the plague nor the syphilis. Nor shall I catcheth the pink-eye, from which no eye-drop shall deliver me. Verily I pray. Amen.” And the germs would disappear from our hands by magic… er… I mean, by miracle.
Sure, sometimes people would still get the pinkeye, but those were the people who lacked faith. And now more and more people are lacking faith; they are placing their fate in the hands of the false gods known as Johnson & Johnson.
So the people who do not wash their hands are simply practicing the old ways. You should not shun them. On the contrary: you should kiss their hands next time you see them, to thank them for showing you the way.
Ye of little faith, it is you who must mend your ways. Only the power of prayer can truly cleanse your hands. And it will cleanse your soul as well.
Forever yours,
Jeesus
To Shave Or Not To Shave
Oct 18th
To shave or not to shave?
As a guy you should be able to help me out.
I know girls like to keep their lower areas neat and trim but as a guy are we allowed to shave or does it have to be au natural?
I guess what I’m trying to ask is am I going to be looked at as too much of a “pretty boy” or even as a player on the other side of the fence if I went ahead and mowed my grass?
Not sure?
-Michael
Dear Michael,
Are you kidding? Chicks love that stuff! If you have a girlfriend, she’d probably want to shave it for you. If you have a wife, she’ll probably think you’re cheating on her. If you’re single, any girl you sleep with will call her female friends the next day and tell them. Then they’ll all be shaving their boyfriends by lunchtime. Of course, if you’re single you’re not having sex anyway, right? Riiiiiiiight.
Now, personally? The knowledge that you want to do that makes me question your sexuality. But what do you care? You’ll be the one with all the hot chicks.
Or guys if you prefer.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. Let me know how the view is from Brokeback Mountain.
Hair Down There?
Oct 18th
As a man, do you find it more attractive when women completely shave their lower anatomy or just have the shrubs very neatly trimmed?
-Rema
Dear Rema,
Whoa! We’re getting a little personal, aren’t we, Rema? I said you guys could ask me anything, though. I don’t want anyone going around saying that Jesus went back on his word. It could traumatize millions of Christians if they start to doubt certain other promises I’ve made.
To answer your question: God made hair grow there for a reason. I don’t see why it needs to be trimmed at all. Just wash it and comb it and it’s cool with me.
In other words, it can look like the jungle, as long as there are no jungle creatures living in it.
Thanks,
Jesus
How Do I Tell My Boyfriend His Breath Stinks Without Putting Down His Self-esteem?
Oct 18th
How do I tell my boyfriend his breath stinks without putting down his self-esteem?
-Grace
Dear Grace,
This is a very common question, but it is also a simple one to answer. The first thing you need to realize is this: bad breath is a very manly quality to have. My breath didn’t exactly smell like spring flowers when I was on Earth, you know. We didn’t even have toothpaste yet.
So it shouldn’t damage your boyfriend’s self-esteem if you tell him he has bad breath; on the contrary, it should make him feel more like a man. If you really want to make him feel good, tell him his underarms and feet stink, too.
If having such a manly man is a problem for you, however, the best thing to do is to try to determine the source of the bad breath. It could be a medical or dental issue that needs to be diagnosed, or it could be caused by your cooking. (You are cooking for him, right? If not, you should be.) The solution could be as simple as providing plenty of chewing gum and/or mints around the house.
Or point out to him a news article about the long-term benefits of proper dental care, and tell him the article inspired you to brush, floss, and rinse with mouthwash more often. Then do it. The odds are that, if you set the example, he will follow along as well.
If all else fails, completely stop cleaning your mouth at all. Wait for him to comment on your bad breath, and take the opportunity to point out his. Even if this doesn’t work, chances are that your own bad breath will keep you from noticing his so much.
I just hope you don’t have a dog.
Good Luck,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for halitosis)
