All your burning questions answered!
Relationship/Dating Questions
I Want To Know How To Spice It Up
Oct 18th
Big guy,
My girl and I have been dating for four years now and all is well…except one small thing…well in my case on big thing. Things between the sheets are becoming a little, well, should I say, dull? Don’t get me wrong, she’s great and I would never think of straying and no, I have turned to porn. It’s just things are becoming a little too routine and I want to know how to spice it up and have add to the flames with out hurting her feelings by bringing the subject up. She might take it the wrong way.
What should I do???
-Justin
Dear Justin,
Bring another girl in. And not just any girl — one with experience. You’ll have a great night, and your girlfriend might learn a thing or two. Or at the very least get more competitive.
What’s wrong with that? Is there something against threesomes in the Bible? If there is, I guarantee you it wasn’t a quote from me. Probably Luke, he was always a bit of a wet blanket.
But if you don’t want to take that path, fine. Your loss. Just remember this: good sex is 90% enthusiasm. So the trick is to find out how to get her more enthusiastic. Find out what she wants and give it to her, even if it’s a bit of a stretch. It should pay off for you in a big way.
Let me know how it works out,
JC
How Do I Know That I'm REALLY In Love With Her?
Oct 18th
I’ve been with this chick for about 10 months now and she makes me feel emotions that I find myself truly at a loss of words to explain. I feel that I am in love with her, I think I’m in love with her, and I want to tell her but I also want to be sure before I tell her (I realize it’s something that you really can’t take back). How do I know that I’m REALLY in love with her, how can I tell?
Unsure and not confident.
-John Smith
Dear John,
People these days make love so much more complicated than it needs to be. I blame R&B singers. Especially R. Kelly.
Asking me how to tell if you’re in love with your girl is like watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin and asking me how to tell if it was funny. You laughed, didn’t you? Then it was funny.
Or it’s like listening to a Brittany Spears album and asking me how to tell if it sucks or not. You felt like shoving a red-hot poker into your eardrum, didn’t you? Then it sucked.
My point is that no one else can tell you how to know when you’re in love, not even me. It’s something that you just have to know for yourself. But don’t worry about telling her. Don’t even think about it. You’ll probably just blurt it out when the time is right.
As far as not being able to take it back goes: sure you can. If you ever say “I love you” to someone and want to take it back, just pretend that isn’t what you said. Tell her that you said “all of you” or “olive hue” or “I love the view” or “isle of ewe”. Or my personal favorite, “I love Jews”. You can’t lose with that one.
Good Luck,
Jesus
No Flowers Anymore :-(
Oct 18th
No flowers anymore 
Ever since my husband and I got married he doesn’t bring me flowers anymore? I don’t know why the changed occured. I have a friend who say the same thing about her husband? Whats up with the men?
-Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
That is such a shame that your husband hasn’t brought home any flowers to you lately. I guess he’s losing his midas touch, his playa like ways, or his pimp status. Or maybe he’s broke?!
I believe flowers are overrated. What ever happen to spending quality time together: watching tv, picking each other’s hair for ticks and lice, or just gazing at each other eyes. You need to converse with your husband about your needs and wants. You shouldn’t be conversing them to me first, as this act is a sign of infidelity-like tendencies. **Tisk tisk**
I can’t speak for all men, so your friend has to submit her own question for her own evaluation or she can bum it off of you.
Always yours,
JC
What Men Find More Attractive: Curvy or Stick Straight Bodies
Oct 18th
I’m a “curvy” girl and I’m wondering what men find more attractive: Curvy or Stick Straight Bodies. To give you a visual Cameron Diaz vs. Beyonce. Now, to be completely fair, when you are visualizing this image in your Godly mind you’re going to have to behead the two examples I used and dye their skin colors blue. I say this because as a man you might take their faces and other assets into consideration. I’m speaking strictly about body shape, size, and total phisique. I’ve asked other guys and recieved nothing but blank stares and responses of “I don’t know, I just know it when I see it.”
As a man I thought you would be the best and most credible person to answer this question.
-Yuri
Dear Yuri,
Wow, I love your description: headless women with blue skin. Maybe after the apocalypse we’ll use headless blue-skinned women to repopulate the Earth. That way there would be no need for beauty parlors and tanning salons.
Anyway, I have an answer to your question. To put it bluntly: I like ‘em thick. You gotta have a little somethin’ to hold onto, y’know. And I think most guys would agree with me, but a lot of them won’t admit to it. The entertainment media teaches that the ideal woman is an emaciated waif, and so a lot of guys are ashamed to reveal their love of “curvy” women to the world. But most of those guys, while they have a Paris Hilton at home, are really wishing they had a Jennifer Lopez. Some even want a Jill Scott.
And in my opinion Cameron Diaz looked a lot hotter when she had a little more weight on her. Like when “The Mask” came out. Now she justs looks all awkward and gangly. I’d choose Beyonce in a minute. Even if she was headless and blue.
I might even prefer it that way.
Thanks,
Jesus
Commit Or Call It Quits?
Oct 18th
Commit or call it quits?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he still hasn’t popped the question? Whats going on?
Should I give him an ultimatum, I don’t know what to do?
-Lucy
Dear Lucy,
You are not the only one who looks up at me every part of the day, pacing back and forth, blurbing ‘Is he going to ask me or not?’ Love is a tough game, my friend.
Look at Hugh Hefner: All of those ladies and the man can’t just pick one girl in a bunny costume to settle down with. What a shame and selfish on one man’s part; but I must say, his skin doesn’t appear as wrinkled as a 1 dollar bill.
Why quit? Quitting is even tougher on everybody. Especially if you give him the ultimatum. Guys don’t operate so well under pressure, except for me of course!
You must ask yourself the ultimate question, “Am I happy?” If you’re still happy, then you can wait for another 3 years for the big question. Happiness is just as important and essential as Love. If you weren’t happy for all of those 3 years, then you would’ve submitted a different question such as: “Which is better, rat poison or bleach?”
So what did we learn today: Love is a tough game, but quitting is even tougher. Happiness and Love prevail over all.
Hopefully I fulfilled your question. So put down the tub of Chunky Monkey and stop stressing out. Oh, and go get yourself a perm.
Sincerely yours,
JC XOXO
P.S. Leave your man, Hugh will never commit to you!
Is It Worth Staying With My Girl?
Oct 18th
Is it worth staying with my girl when she is always complaining about things such as take out the garbage, put the toilet seat down, take my shoes off outside, don’t drive my car, pick up my dirty clothes? Should I go back home and live with my parents?
-Worth It
Dear Worth It,
What, your parents didn’t make you do all that stuff? They should have. They obviously didn’t raise you right. That’s why you’re not acting right. I’m really disappointed in you right now.
You need to grow up and be a man. You can’t go running to your parents cause you don’t like doing chores. Your girlfriend has reasonable expectations.
Except for the thing about putting the toilet seat down. If she falls in, that’s her fault for not looking first. I’ve never understood why women don’t look before they sit. It’s ridiculous.
Anyway, do what your girlfriend says. And take her out to dinner.
Not at Burger King, though.
Good Luck,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “helps around the house”)
On Our First Date… He Took Me To Burger King
Oct 18th
I recently met a guy and we went on our first date last weekend. He took me to Burger King. Will the next date be better or should I have asked him to take me to McDonalds and let me supersize it?
-First Date
Dear First Date,
Wow, the questions are really starting to pour in! Since I’m so busy, and Burger King dating is not my area of expertise, I’m going to let one of my very capable staff members field this one. Meet 13th Apostle:
13th Apostle
I know he’s creepy looking (for some reason he insists on wearing a Rudolph Giuliani mask), but he’ll be able to answer your question. He’s taken dozens of women to Burger King on the first date. And he’s really eager to take this question, for some reason. Let me know if his advice helps you.
Thanks,
Jesus
Hello, First Date, 13th Apostle here.
As JC said, I’ve taken dozens of women to Burger King on the first date. Where would I go on the second date, you ask? I don’t know; I’ve never had a second date. But that’s just cause I’m too real for these chicks.
Anyway, do you want to know the reason he took you to Burger King? It’s because he asked you where you wanted to go, and you were trying to be all cute with the “I dunno, tee hee” crap. When you knew the whole time that you wanted to go to Red Lobster. If you would have just said so when he asked you, you could have been eating those delicious cheddar biscuits instead of a value meal from Burger King, home of the seventh best french fries in America.
That’s right, Tiffany, I know this letter’s from you. And I don’t care if you’re not returning my calls. Forget you.
13th Apostle
P.S. I’m sorry. Please return my calls.
Where Would I Find Mr. Right?
Oct 18th
Where would I find Mr. Right?
-I NEED LOVE
Dear I NEED LOVE,
That’s a difficult question for me to answer. Next to me, all men look like mentally disabled, pot-bellied pigs. But I guess even some mentally disabled pot-bellied pigs are better than others.
The best way to find Mr. Right, of course, is to make sure that you are Ms. Right. (Unless you’re a gay man. Then you would have to be Mr. Right. And then you could just find yourself.)
What I mean is that the key to finding the best mate is self-improvement. If you work on making yourself a better person, then great guys will be knocking down your door. And then you’ll be asking me how to get rid of all those guys, and how to replace a broken door.
Think of yourself as a car that you’re trying to sell. You love the car, and you want to sell it to someone who is a good match for it and will take good care of it. But you won’t find that person if you let the car get run down. You’ll most likely get someone who will mistreat the car, use it for certain parts, and then trade it in for something better.
You have to take good care of the car, clean it out, give it a tune-up, a fresh paint job, a really good stereo with CD player, TV sets in the seat backs, a GPS system, and some 20-inch chrome rims that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. Wait… what was I talking about again?
Oh, self-improvement. That’s the key to finding Mr. Right. While you’re working on yourself, you just might run into him at the gym, or in a cooking class, or in a museum. Get out there and live life, and you’ll find him sooner than you think.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. If that doesn’t work, I have a homeboy I can hook you up with. He lives with his mom though. Let me know.
Is My Husband Cheating On Me?
Oct 18th
Is my husband cheating on me?
-Faithful
Dear Faithful,
Whoa. Hold on now. Offering answers to the great questions of the universe is one thing. Giving advice now and then is fine. But I never said I was a snitch. If your husband was cheating on you, it really wouldn’t be my place to tell you. I could lose my Guy Card for that.
The more important question is whether or not your relationship is suffering, for that reason or any other. If your relationship is strong and happy and fulfilling, don’t let the seeds of doubt creep into your mind. Enjoy it for what it is.
Or call “Cheaters”. I love that show. And they seem to do a pretty good job. And if you do find out that he’s cheating on you, whup his ass on national television. I’ll get the popcorn.
Good Luck,
JC
