All your burning questions answered!
School/Work Questions
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
Apr 3rd
Dear Jay Double E,
Why was algebra created, and why is it so complex?
-Joey
Dear Joey,
Algebra was created around the time of the events in the book of Exodus. Have you ever read that thing? Once you get past Chapter 25 it’s like nothing but word problems!
Take this example from Exodus Chapter 26, verses 7 through 10:
“And thou shalt make curtains of goats’ hair to be a covering upon the tabernacle: eleven curtains shalt thou make. The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and the eleven curtains shall be all of one measure. And thou shalt couple five curtains by themselves, and six curtains by themselves, and shalt double the sixth curtain in the forefront of the tabernacle. And thou shalt make fifty loops on the edge of the one curtain that is outmost in the coupling, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain which coupleth the second.”
Still awake? No? Okay, I’ll wait… Awake now? Good. Now, in the above example, how were Moses and his posse supposed to know how much goat hair they needed to complete their project? Not to mention the rams’ skins, badger skins, and shittim wood they were going to need later? God is very particular when it comes to decorating, and He won’t tolerate a half-assed job. It’s for this reason that they had to come up with algebra.
For example, say you know that one goat provides 20 square cubits of goat hair (whatever the hell a “cubit” is). How many goats will need to be slaughtered in order to make 11 curtains, each of which is 30 cubits long and 4 cubits wide? You would use the equation X=(11)(30×4)/20. Solving for X, you would find that you needed 66 goats.
Now, say you wanted to figure out how many people those goats would be able to feed after you slaughtered them so you could make your curtains. Say, for example, that each man could eat one whole goat in a week. Each woman could eat half a goat in the same time period, and each child could eat an eighth of a goat. How many people would be fed within a week by the 66 goats if the group is 40% men, 40% women, and 20% children?
Um… I leave that one for you, Joey. Not that I can’t do it, it’s just that… um… Easter is coming up, and I’m due to make appearances in a tree stump, a slice of toast, a Cheeto, and a newborn baby’s birthmark. Then I’ll get a cut of the proceeds when all of those items are sold on eBay. Um, except the baby.
They’ll have to sell that on Craigslist.
Thanks!
JC
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a "weekend"?
Apr 2nd
Dear Jeesus,
Who decided work days had to be 8 hours long 5 days a week and we only get 2 days off for a “weekend”?
Thanks so much & God bless!
-April
Dear April,
I’m really not supposed to tell you this. I could get in trouble. But here goes: not all jobs make you work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Only the really crappy ones do.
I, for one, have never worked an 8-hour day. All those stories you heard about my great works are true, but they left out one detail: I clocked out at 2pm every day. Sometimes I went fishing. (It’s easy to avoid spooking the trout when you can walk on the water.) Sometimes I studied nuclear physics. Sometimes I performed in kabuki theatre. Sometimes I time-travelled to the future and helped paint angry picket signs for abortion protesters.
The point is that I had a lot of time on my hands. You should too. You’re not meant to spend 40 hours of your week wasting away as a cog in someone else’s machine. Not unless it’s my machine, anyway. And my machine cranks out peace and love. And also miniature combs that are used to get tangles out of people’s beards. (Until you have a beard, you have no idea how important those are.)
But what you’re meant to do is live a life of enjoyment. You’re meant to explore this wonderful world you were given. You’re meant to let your spirit soar.
But don’t tell anyone I told you all this. If the wrong people find out, I could lose my sponsorships from Pepsi and Adidas. And then I’ll be forced to get a real job. Not to mention losing my free kicks and my unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper.
But enough about me. If you have to work your 5-day-a-week, 8-hour-a-day job then try to be optimistic about it. Remember that there are a lot of people who work more than 8 hours a day and more than 5 days a week. Those people deserve our respect and admiration. But we’re also glad we’re not them, right? Those crazy suckers.
So work your job with your head held high and a smile on your face, and on the weekends let your spirit soar.
Your friend always,
JC
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
Nov 13th
Hey Man,
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
R
Dear R,
Easy as pie. Here’s the sheet you sent me with your question. The numbers are all filled in.
Let me know if you have anything really challenging for me, because I did that one while I was half asleep and half watching House M.D. on Hulu. That doctor cracks me up.
Hope this helps. We can all use some extra credit in life.
Peace out,
Hay Zeus
HELP!!! I Need Help With My Math Extra Credit Question!!
Oct 18th
Dear Jeesus,
I need extra credit………for tomorrow
What 4 positive numbers can be added and multiplied to get the same answer. The number is less than 100 and zeros don’t count. They must all be different numbers.
A+B+C+D= AxBxCxD=
Thanks a lot
-Ms. Math Trouble
Dear Ms. Math Trouble,
That’s a very difficult question. Fortunately, I earned two Bachelor’s Degrees from the University of Bethlehem. Luckily for you, one of them is in Advanced Theoretical Algebra. (The other one is in Cosmetology.)
To solve the problem, I had to first had to examine the facts that we know:
1) The four numbers are positive
2) None of the numbers is zero
3) None of the numbers is the same as any other
4) Fried chicken is delicious
5) The sum of the numbers is equal to their product
We first see that 1, 2, 3, and 4 are the only four whole numbers greater than zero whose product does not exceed 100. (1*2*3*4=24, 2*3*4*5=120)
Because these numbers do not fit the criteria (1+2+3+4=10, 1*2*3*4=24), then we have to come to the conclusion that the numbers are not whole numbers. At least not all of them.
Therefore, we know that at least some of the numbers are fractions (or decimals, if you prefer).
From that point everything is easy. Taking into account the deliciousness of fried chicken, it becomes apparent that the numbers are: 1, 2, 1.5, and 2.25.
(1+2+1.5+2.25=6.75)
(1*2*1.5*2.25=6.75)
If you think that’s impressive, you should see my cosmetology skills.
Thanks,
JC
Should I Leave My Current Job For Another Job Opportunity?
Oct 18th
Should I leave my current job for another job opportunity?
-Amy
Dear Amy,
You didn’t give me a whole lot of information to work with, Amy. I mean, I know everything of course. But the other readers of the site might have been interested in more details: what is your current job, what is the new opportunity, have you ever been in a threesome, etc.
For all they know, your current job could be this one, in which case almost anything would be an improvement. Or you could be a Senator or a CEO, in which case you have one of the cushiest jobs in the world.
Well, except for Messiah. This job is a breeze. Once you get past that initial rough patch, anyway. I wouldn’t wanna do that again for anything.
But, to answer your question, Amy… IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!!!
If you have a new job opportunity that pays more, then say good-bye to your old career and move on up like George and Weezy. Unless, of course, your current job might offer you more in the long run.
Or unless the new job is this one. That would just suck.
Hope I answered your question,
JC
How do I find time to go back to school and balance a full time job and family?
Oct 18th
How do I find time to go back to school and balance a full time job and family?
-Lu Lu
Dear Lu Lu,
School, a full-time job, and family: three quaint essential areas of your life where you don’t want to put on the back burner. You need school because, you don’t want to grow up dumb and even dumber. You definitely need a job unless you’re going to sell off your body parts for cancer and other medical research. You also need family, because you need support and someone to watch you when you grow old and smelly.
Well, something has to give and make way for the other. One thing is a fact is that you can’t give up your full time job. Someone needs to drive that ice cream truck dispensing those yummy bomb pops and firm chocolate tacos. Do it for the kids Lu lu, for the kids!
So that leaves school and your family. Here’s a suggestion: Go to school for a semester and take-off the next semester to be with you family. Unless you live with in-laws, then go to school as much as possible. I can’t stand in-laws in the same house and most likely they can’t stand you. So do them and yourself a favor; stay away as long as possible. You accomplish what you want, and they accomplish what they want which is to rummage through your underwear drawer.
You can thank me later,
JC
Is College Really Worth It?
Oct 18th
Dear Jesus,
I’m slowly working my way through school and still have to go for my masters. I just wanted to know from the big guy, is college really worth it?
-Asia
Dear Asia,
That depends on what you want to do. There are many great careers that do not require a four-year college degree, such as police officer, plumber, or CEO. There are even careers that don’t require a high school education, such as rodeo clown, crocodile wrangler, drug dealer, and politician. Even the job of Messiah has pretty low educational requirements, but there aren’t any openings right now.
If you already know what you want to do, then you should know whether college is worth it. If you don’t know what you want to do, then you shouldn’t even be thinking about getting a Master’s Degree. Too many young people these days go to college just because they’re told that they’re supposed to. They spend half their lives chasing degrees they don’t need and wracking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, only to end up running a meth lab in their basement. Don’t fall into that trap.
If you know what you want to do with your life, then get the level of education that you need in order to do it. If you don’t know yet then you need to sit down, put down the Tommy Chong bong, and find some direction.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. No, I’m not hiring. But I hear Buddha might have an opening somewhere.
When I Ask For Help At Work No One Wants To Help Me, WHY?
Oct 18th
I work at a place where it is a team environment and sometimes my work load gets extremely heavy and when I ask for help no one wants to help me, WHY?
-Work Over-load
Dear Work Over-load,
Join the club. I keep trying to get Tampa Railroad Hobo and 13th Apostle to answer more questions, but they’re a couple of lazy bastards.
When you find out the secret to getting people to help you, you tell me.
Jesus
