All your burning questions answered!
Social/Political Questions
Pro Choice or Pro Life? Are You A Republican Or A Democrat?
Oct 18th
JC,
Important question that I’m sure you would like to answer: Pro Choice or Pro Life?
Are you a Republican or a Democrat…Or we could even a ‘liberal-conservative.’
-Emily
Dear Emily,
Little known fact: my mother’s husband wanted her to abort me. He said he would never be able to raise someone else’s child. He wanted to make it work, wanted to pretend that I was his. But he was afraid that every time he looked at me he would just see God.
Fortunately, my mother was able to convince him to change his mind. It was fortunate for him because God probably would’ve been a bit peeved if I was aborted. It was fortunate for me because abortion in those days consisted of a horrendous process involving a hedgehog, a cobra, and razor-sharp tongs.
Actually, I just made up the above story for shock value (the same reason I walked on water). But the part about the abortion process is true. Fortunately, the technique has improved over the years to the point that they’ve managed to eliminate the hedgehog and the cobra.
I’m pro-life, generally speaking. There are extenuating circumstances, of course, but in most cases I’m against abortion. I’m a big fan of giving a conceived child a chance to live out his or her potential on Earth.
Besides, what if I choose to be reborn again onto the Earth, and the baby is aborted? That would kinda suck!
As far as whether I’m a Republican or a Democrat, I think the political system in the United States is one of the most ridiculous things that mankind has ever come up with. Regular people don’t just fall within one category or the other, you know. Unless they’re brainwashed, that is.
The major political parties only represent corporations and special interests; they don’t represent people. I’d run for the 2008 Presidency myself, but I’m not a US citizen.
Thank God.
Forever Yours,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “Hillary in ’08″
How Do You Feel About Birth Control?
Oct 18th
Considering you quote the Christian doctrine(s) often and different denominations choose to have different viewpoints on this particular subject, I’m going straight to the source!
How do you feel about the subject of birth control, this includes all forms: the pill, condoms, IUD’s, etc.?
Tred this subject lightly, it could be a touchy one!
-Yuri
Dear Yuri,
Um… you sure you don’t wanna know how I feel about body shaving? That’s a very popular topic. No? Okay, then…
I’m cool with the use of birth control. I think if it wasn’t for birth control, you’d have a lot more unwanted children in the world. And there are too many of those as it is. I prefer condoms, but only because I’m not a big fan of putting chemicals in the body. Your body is a temple, you know.
And when someone comes to… um… worship at your temple, they should be… um… wearing the proper attire.
I hope I answered your question.
Thanks,
JC
If You Wanted Everyone To Read The Bible… Why Do We Have TV And Video Games?
Oct 18th
Jeesus,
If you wanted everyone to read the bible and go to church WHY on earth did you bless some walking man on earth with the bright idea to invent the television…AND then, not only have the brains to invent the televison but to take it one step further by coming up with reality tv, hdtv and blu-ray. As if that wan’t enough you couldn’t let the inventers stop at nintendo, someone had to go above and beyond the call of duty and come up with high graphic computer games: world of warcraft, counterstrike, command and conquer, etc. And if that wasn’t putting forth 150% the invention process had to be topped off with the invention of Playstation 3???
I think it would have been a lot easier to reach out to your followers if they weren’t so busy exercising their digits and perfecting the art of not blinking!
-Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Whoa! You see how I get blamed for everything? Now I gave man the idea to invent the television and the Playstation 3!
I appreciate the vote of confidence in my technological ability, but I don’t even know how those things work! I asked a guy about how TVs work once. He started droning on about radio waves and cathode ray tubes, and I just fell asleep! It was more boring than Leviticus!
I never even went to high school. You think I’m responsible for World of Warcraft and Counterstrike? I wish!
I’m not even good at video games. I could barely complete any missions in Grand Theft Auto. Eventually I just gave up and started shooting at the cops. And my little Minotaur guy in World of Warcraft is stuck at level 6!
As I’ve said before, we allow you people to have free will. That includes the ability to create and invent things within the boundaries of your world. And not everything that anyone invents is divinely inspired. Next you’re gonna be blaming me for inventing the electric chair, LSD, the nuclear weapon. That’s ridiculous. All of those things were invented by the United States government.
I hate reality TV and repetitive, derivative sitcoms. And I think HDTV and blu-ray are a waste of money, because the technology is going to outrun the demand. Soon you’ll be putting those things in the closet next to your Laserdisc players.
To be honest, I do want you people to read the Bible. And to read other books as well. So don’t blame me for all the distractions that you have in your lives. Put the blame where it truly lies.
The U.S. government.
Thanks,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “Halo 2 champion”)
How Do You Feel About Immigrants?
Oct 18th
How do you feel about immigrants? Do you think we should go back to our countries?
-Cholita
Dear Cholita,
I don’t like to think in terms of countries. People are people. I don’t see the need for discrimination based on imaginary borderlines.
I think people should live where they want, as long as they’re making a positive contribution to society. And as long as they’re Christian, of course. Innocent
Unless you’re an immigrant from Hell. We don’t need your kind up here, with your exotic porn shops and really spicy food.
Other than that, live wherever you want. Tell them Jesus gave you permission.
Thanks,
Jesus (pronounced Haysoos)
Why Is There Racism? Where Were You During Slavery And The Holocaust?
Oct 18th
Y is there racisim? i don’t mean stupid racist jokes like white people can’t dance, black people are hung, and asians are about to build Voltron but slavery and the holocaust. where were you when that was going down? seriously if i take a vacation i let my boss know and i have somebody cover myshift. i work at Burger king. the burgers keep fliping and you get it supersized with a diet coke. was that you turning the other check, did fall asleep at the desk, or was there nobody in the world to cover your vacation that couldn’t help a brothers out? Do me a favor next time you take a leave of absence let me know by email, suicide is still an option?
Diary of a Mad Black Man
-Nacambusx
Dear Nac,
Wow. You wanna know where I was while all that time? I was DEAD! They killed me! Horsewhipped me, nailed me to a freakin cross and watched me die. Did you see The Passion Of The Christ? That was The Care Bears Movie compared to what they really did to me. It SUCKED!!
After that I pretty much stayed out of Earth’s affairs. I didn’t want to go through that again. I’m still traumatized. I’m scared of crosses. It was centuries before I could look at a lowercase “t” without getting jittery.
We in the management offices decided after that to let you people pretty much have free will, and then sort it all out later. But it amazes me the things that human beings have done to each other, and still do. It’s… sad really. I mean, racism doesn’t make any sense. You all descended from the same ape-like ancestors, according to the evolutionary blueprint that God laid out for the planet. How can people hate individual branches of the same tree? It boggles my mind.
But to answer your question more clearly: No, I was not on vacation. It’s just that stopping people from doing stupid crap is not my job to begin with.
Man, I get blamed for everything…
Thanks for the question,
Jesus
P.S. The Asians ARE building Voltron. But only to fight Godzilla.
Why Do Crack-Dealing Rappers Seem To Get All The Blessings?
Oct 18th
Hey JC, remember me? Probably not. I’m the 22 year old black kid who went to church all his life and doesn’t even have car or a girlfriend. My life sucks. so my question is this….y do you feel the need to bless every crack dealer with RIMS, bitches (I only call them bitches cause I don’t know their names)and a RAP DEAL? did they not make enough money on the streets or are they really interested in that 401k? I want a Ferrari, Nike deal, and hoes. They shout out “big ups to JC” one time at the Grammys and u love them. y do u ignore my prayers for these things? Do I have to be on the block for you to see me down here?
Thanks Nac
P.S. Pls don’t mention Kanye West. He’s the exception
-Nacambusx
Dear Nacambusx-
First of all, I don’t even wanna talk about Kanye West. That arrogant S.O.B. still owes me money for letting him use my name in his song. He told me the song was gonna be about me, but it wasn’t; he just used my name in the chorus to trick people into thinking that the song was about me. But the lyrics have nothing to do with me! If you see Kanye, tell him I want my royalties.
Now that that’s out of the way: of course I remember you, Nac. And I feel your pain, man. I didn’t have a car or a girlfriend when I was your age. Of course, cars weren’t invented yet. But the thought of me even thinking about a woman in a romantic way would upset millions of people. So you can see why my love life is so difficult.
And I see what you mean about the rappers. Rims are pretty sweet, especially the ones that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. That has to be the greatest invention in the history of mankind. But don’t worry if you never get your rims on Earth. In heaven we all ride around in Cadillac Escalades with chameleon paint, wood-grain steering wheels, hydraulics, gull-wing doors, and 26-inch wheels that never stop spinning!
My point is that you might just have to wait a little longer to reap your rewards. But when you do, you will receive infinitely more than those who did not live justly. I still love the people who live right. It may not seem like it, but calling out my name at the Grammy’s is not enough to win my favor. Especially not for that bastard Kanye West.
And another problem I have with a lot of these rappers are the huge, platinum, diamond-encrusted crucifixes they wear. What do they love, Christianity or money? They really need to pick one.
I don’t even like crosses. I don’t know who started the rumor that I did. I was killed on a cross, you know. That’s like if you were killed in the electric chair, came back to life, and everyone around you had tiny electric chairs hanging from their necks. Wouldn’t it freak you out? Well, that’s how I feel.
As far as rap goes, I prefer the more humble rappers who try to use positive messages in their music. Common, the Roots, Talib Kweli, Outkast… that’s the kind of stuff I bump in my Escalade.
Anyway, continue to live right and you’ll get your rewards eventually. I’m not saying don’t work towards success. If you can get rich, great. But never stop being a good person. And contact me anytime, my door’s always open.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. I don’t really agree with calling women bitches and hoes. Except for the ones that are bitches and hoes. But those aren’t really the ones you want, are they?
How Do You Know If Someone Has A Gambling Problem?
Oct 18th
How do you know if someone has a gambling problem and how do you make them stop?
-Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
There are many ways to tell if someone has a gambling problem. For example, if you are standing in the lobby of a building and someone bets you money that a certain elevator door will open first, that person probably has a gambling problem.
If a man has a drug problem but can’t afford to buy drugs because he lost all his money gambling, then he probably has a gambling problem.
If a woman bets money on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, then she probably has a serious gambling problem.
If you want to make a person stop gambling, get them addicted to something else. I suggest Christianity. Just have them give all the money they would normally gamble with to the church. The payoff will be far greater than it would be at the casino. I’ll bet you anything!
Thanks,
Jesus
