askjeesus.net
All your burning questions answered!
Who determined the order of the alphabet letters?
Nov 3rd
Why is A before B and B before C and Z at the end of the alphabet? Who determined the order of the alphbet letters? Is there a logic to this order?
-Michelle
Dear Michelle,
As you probably already know, the English system of letters is based on the Latin system that was used by the ancient Romans (jerks), which was in turn based on the system that was used by the ancient Greeks (also jerks). The word “alphabet”, as you know, is derived from the first two Greek letters: alpha and beta. The Greek letters are derived from the ancient Phoenician letters, which are based on the Canaanite letters. The Canaanite letters were pictoral, and therefore had specific meanings, which they lent to the Phoenician letters. For example, alpha meant “ox” and beta meant “house”. But of course you already knew that.
What you might not have known is that the Canaanites put their alphabet in order of which objects were most important to them in life. The ox (alpha) provided them with food and a means of farming and transport. It was therefore essential to their livelihood, so they put it first. Next came the house (beta), which (since they needed it for shelter) was also necessary for survival in their harsh environment. After that came gamma, which meant “opium”; delta, which meant “money”; epsilon, which meant “blowjob”; and so on… all the way down to omega, which meant “wife”.
As time went on and the alphabet evolved through different cultures, the letters changed somewhat. Unfortunately, the priorities never did.
So that’s how the order of the alphabet was determined. Luckily for us, it makes a pretty catchy song. Even if it is just ripping off the tune from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.
Thanks for your question!
Your pal,
Jeesus
P.S. Don’t ask me about the order of the letters on your QWERTY keyboard. That makes no sense at all. Especially when it’s used on a cell phone. Is anyone actually typing on those things? No! Jerks.
Jeesus rocking the Facebook!
Oct 10th
Hi there again!
Some days and times, I sit in front of my computer hoping I could just catch a 5 minute breather but I have such an important job of answering the people’s questions and concerns. While I sit here on this ridiculously comfy Hermon Miller Aeron Office Chair, I wonder what some of my close friends such as Moses, Simon, Peter and Jay-Z, are doing at the moment until I discovered FACEBOOK!
Like, how sweet is that?! I can answer emails and messages and at the same time, I can have my Facebook session open on the side (if the boss attempts to creep on me, I just minimize the window with my super duper quick mouse clicking speeds.)
Feel free to visit me at my Facebook page and drop your comments, questions, and suggestions.
Sorry, but I have to go back to work now.
How Do I Give My Cat A Bath?
Oct 8th
Dear Jeesus (or as my hispanic friends know you as Hay-seuss),
Everyday I come home from work to see my beloved cat giving himself a bath. He licks to and fro, and eventually makes it down to his junk region. Although to watch is rather humorous, it is sometimes disgusting if you are trying to eat a delicious Taco Bell chicken burritos.
How do I give my cat a bath without him scratching my face to ground beef?
Dave
Dear Dave,
What a coincidence. I just got a letter from your cat complaining that, every time he tries to lick his butt, you ruin the experience for him by eating one of those disgusting Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Seriously, Dave, there’s a reason that Taco Bell is the biggest fast food chain in Hell. And it’s not just because of the Fire sauce.
But on to your question.
Cat-washing has been a problem that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. As you know, when Noah built the ark he brought two of each animal along for the journey: one male and one female. Well, we all know what happens when you put a male and a female cat together. (It wasn’t until fifty years after the flood that Bob Barker was born, to urge us to have our pets spayed or neutered.)
Have you ever been woken up at night by two cats having sex LOUDLY outside your window? Well, imagine having to deal with that for forty nights in a row! After the thirtieth night Noah couldn’t take it anymore, and he tossed the cats overboard. Luckily (for cat lovers at least) Noah’s wife managed to rescue the female cat, which was already pregnant with kittens. But to this day, cats are horribly terrified of drowning.
So it’s extremely difficult to get them into the water. People have tried everything from bait to babies, with little success. It seems the best way to wash a cat is to hire a chimp to do the job for you.
Actually, I did find a human who seems to know how it’s done.
Of course, none of these is the way that the cat would prefer. If it was up to the cat, you would use your tongue. But you probably wouldn’t enjoy that very much.
Then again, you do like those Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Good luck!
Your friend in Christ,
um… Christ
How Do I Tell My Family That I'm Gonna Be A Porn Star?
Oct 6th
Dear Jesus,
the economy right now is very tough and i am really struggling with making ends meet. In these hard times and in my desperation i have decided to make a career change for the better. I’ve decided to make pornographic movies and nude pic’s. I LOVE SEX and i will be able to pay the bills. My penis is magnificent so why not share it with the world. The only problem is how do i break the news to my family?
D
My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”
Dear D,
I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”
Times are tough.
But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?
Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.
And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.
There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.
Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.
Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)
But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:
Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.
Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.
Good luck, D.
Your pal,
Jeesus H. Christ
Hey followers.. follow Jeesus on Twitter!
Oct 5th
Hi there Jeesus followers!
With all this talk from my homie Ashton Kutcher about twitter, he finally convinced me to create an account for myself. You can follow and submit your questions @ twitter.com/askjeesus.
Tweet-Tweet away!!
Forgive Me, But More About The Subject, Please!! You Are Going Away From The Topic Too Frequently, Therefore It Is Uneasy To Read Your Posts.
Oct 18th
Forgive ME, but more about the subject, please!! You are going away from the topic too frequently, therefore it is uneasy to read your posts.
-ben2k7
Dear ben2k7,
I know what you mean. It’s like when I saw Spiderman 3. I’m enjoying the movie, chomping on Sour Patch Kids by the handful, when all of a sudden Peter Parker starts disco dancing. I’m like, WTF?*
The Sandman was a cool villain, though.
You know what other superhero movie I liked? The Dark Knight. That was a good flick. And you’d never catch Batman disco dancing. Iron Man was good, too. And The Incredible Hulk. And Hellboy II. And Hancock.
I watch too many movies, I guess. But I always liked superheroes. I wonder what it would be like to save the world… Oh, wait, I did that already.
I guess I am kind of a superhero. I wonder if they’d let me hang out with them. It would be pretty cool to join the Avengers or the Justice League. I could fight Lex Luthor or Dr. Doom. That would kick ass!
I bet the Avengers movie is gonna be better than the Justice League movie.
Anyway, thanks for your question about superhero movies.
Your friend,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “HULK SMASH!!!”)
*Just so you know, when I say “WTF?” I’m not cussing. In Biblical terms, “WTF?” stands for “Why hast Thou Forsaken me?” See the below image.
If Adam and Eve Only Had Two Sons, How Did They Reproduce?
Oct 18th
If Adam and Eve only had two sons, how did they reproduce?
-Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Are you questioning my father’s abilities? He can pop babies into wombs at will. He could snap his fingers right now and you’d be eight months pregnant. How would you like that? In fact, I have half a mind to tell Him to do it. I’ll tell him to wait until you’re not expecting it, though. Then — BAM — swollen ankles, back pain, and stretch marks!
Well, I guess you’re entitled to ask the question. Let’s just say that incest was a lot more popular back then than it is today. Well, maybe not more popular, but more acceptable. I’ve seen the Jerry Springer show, I know what you people do.
Anyway, these days everyone knows that incestual reproduction replicates recessive traits in the gene pool, thereby weakening the bloodline. Well, you probably don’t know, but everyone else does.
But back then we didn’t even know what DNA was. God didn’t even know. He was shocked when they discovered it. He was so surprised He spit out His YooHoo.
So He doesn’t really condone incest anymore. After all, He can still see the damage that those first few generations of inbreeding did to the human race. And he doesn’t even have to turn on Jerry Springer.
Thanks for the question.
JC
Who Are The Mexicans of the Asian World?
Oct 18th
who are the mexicans of the asian world?
-Burning Jew
Dear Burning Jew,
That’s an interesting name you’ve got there. I’m not sure why you’re burning, but you might want to go to the clinic and have it checked out. I could heal you, of course, if I wanted to — but I am not laying hands on that!
On to your question: the Mexicans of the Asian world are… the Mexicans! That’s right. The Mexican people are descended (primarily) from the Native Americans — the Aztecs, Olmecs, Mayans, and whatnot — who first migrated to what is now North America across what is now the Bering Strait from what is now Asia. Therefore, the Mexican people are of Asian descent. Crazy, isn’t it?
If you’re asking which Asian people are most like the Mexicans… that’s a tough one. There are a lot of Asian peoples who share qualities that are characteristic of Mexican people: they are hard-working, industrious, family-oriented, short, and low in facial hair. They also eat a lot of rice.
But you probably want an actual answer, huh? Okay… the Chinese. You happy, jackass?
Thanks!
Jeesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hola”)
Well Jesus, I Would Like To Know If You Can Help Me Grow And Get Better At Baseball
Oct 18th
Well Jesus, i would like to know if you can help me grow and get better at baseball.. thanks 
-Bobby
Dear Bobby,
Are you trying to buy steroids from me? Listen, I got out of that racket after that whole Marion Jones thing in the Sydney Olympics. I told her to go for silver and nobody’d ever suspect her. But, no, she just had to be “the fastest woman on Earth”. (Little does she know, that title is already held by Cindy McNichols of Cincinnatti, who slept with a guy named Gary 10 seconds after meeting him. That kind of world record is hard to beat.)
The thing is, Bobby, using steroids has never worked out for anyone in the long run. Well, unless you count Arnold Schwarzenegger. He used steroids and became a champion bodybuilder. And then he became a famous movie actor, even though he couldn’t act and couldn’t even speak English at first (watch Conan if you don’t believe me.) And then he became a millionaire. And then he became Governor of California.
What was my point again? Oh, yeah… take steroids, Bobby, and one day you can be Governor of California.
Just don’t try to buy them from me, man.
Thanks!
Jeesus
Does Taking Sterol Build Muscle Like Steroids?
Oct 18th
Does taking sterol build muscle like steroids?
-Dan
Dear Dan,
Sterol, by itself in it’s truest form, does not build muscle. In it’s truest form, sterol is an oil derived from steroids itself.
If you’re interested in building body mass, stick with the old school irons and eating right. What’s the point trying to accelerate a personal goal? You have to ask yourself, what’s the point of creating goals in the first place if you’re trying to ‘cheat’ your way to the top.
Do it righteous way and bask yourself with self-achievements and accomplishments.
The sole proprietor of the righteous way,
JC
