askjeesus.net
All your burning questions answered!
Why Not Allow Black Folk To Be Called Niggers?
Oct 18th
Hey son,
Why is it that the earthlings don’t seem to allow the sperior white race to call the balck folk niggers?
A little insight would be great.
Thanks
-Dad
Dear “Dad”,
Nice try, genius. Too bad my father never contacts me here. He has my personal email address and my cell phone number. Also, He knows that there is no superior race. And even if He was gonna ask such a jackass question as yours, He would spellcheck it before He sent it.
The fact is, my father already knows everything, so he wouldn’t have to ask. But, Whoever-you-are, since you did have to ask, I’m gonna answer your question.
The fact is that many people do endorse the use of the word “nigger” to describe black people. It is usually those who understand that all people are created equal and who are concerned about hurting one another’s feelings that discourage it. Since you don’t seem to be one of those people, allow me to educate you.
There are many black people who are smarter than you, more athletic than you, more talented than you, better looking than you, kinder than you, and superior to you in many ways. In fact, there are people of every race who could defeat you in any contest. So how could you consider your race superior?
Right now the only thing distinguishing you is your bigotry, and it’s not a good quality to have. It’s making you, personally, look quite inferior.
That being said, you have a right to be as ignorant as you want to. I just want you to know you have the ability to rise above it.
But think how you feel if someone called you a potato-picking paddy. Not very good, right?
Think about it.
Jeesus
Why Do Priests Rape Little Kids?
Oct 18th
why do priests rape little kids?
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
You’ve brought up a very serious issue, and I’m going to treat it seriously. Mostly.
First, to clarify, a lot of priests have been in the news after being accused of molestation of young children, primarily altar boys who the priests have been left alone with. In most cases, it is not forced sexual intercourse: it ranges from inappropriate touching to grooming that leads to consensual sex.
I’m not saying that the molestation is not as bad as forced sexual intercourse; it is just as horrendous. The distinction is in the way that the priests view it. They are able to convince themselves that they are guilty of a lesser sin than rape. They are able to attribute their actions to momentary weakness or Satan’s trickery, and are able to convince themselves that it won’t happen again. They feel that they are able to absolve themselves of the sin through private confession or good works.
Personally, I think that any priest who molests a young child is a sick bastard. Why would you take a vow of celibacy and then turn your lust on children. I would greatly prefer for you to get married and have sex with your wife than to sneak and molest kids. Heck, I’d even prefer for you to have sex with prostitutes.
If you vow never to have sex and you slip, you’ve already failed. Why compound your failure by committing one of the greatest sins possible? If any of you priests out there start feeling an attraction to your altar boys, it’s time for you to go get a woman. A grown woman. You know what? I’d even prefer for you to get a grown man, as long as it’s a consenting adult. I won’t even take any points off your scorecard. It’s better than the alternative, after all.
And if you do molest kids, you’re gonna get punished for it eventually. I’ll make sure you’re reincarnated as a string of anal beads. Don’t think I can’t do it.
Anyway, thanks for the question, Cupcake. If you know any molester priests, tell me about them and I’ll kick their asses personally. I do not condone that crap.
JC
P.S. Something tells me you’re pretty cute. If you ever want a date with a demigod, drop me a line at askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Peace.
What animals passed the mirror test?
Oct 18th
what animals passed the mirror test
-cdcdsc
Dear cdcdsc,
The mirror test, for those of you who are not omniscient like I am, was a test of self-awareness first developed in 1970 by Gordon Gallup Jr. It’s almost as simple as it sounds: basically the test determined which animals, of those tested, could recognize their own reflection in a mirror, rather than thinking the relection was another member of the same species.
The animals that passed included the following: the great apes (chimps, orangutans, gorillas), dolphins, elephants, rats, octopuses, rhesus monkeys, and humans.
There is one notable exception. George W. Bush, though by all appearances human, actually failed the mirror test. Upon seeing his reflection, he promptly designated it an enemy combatant and declared war on it.
I hope I’ve answered your question.
JC
Where Can I Find Good Quality Films?
Oct 18th
Where I can find good quality films?
Can anyone help me?
-Penunatoaudip
Dear Penunawhatever,
Is your local movie theater letting you down? Tired of movies about Alaskan vampires or human/honeybee interspecies dating? Wondering why Samuel L. Jackson seems to be in almost every movie ever made?
Well, you’re not alone. You can find quality films at the movie theater, but you first have to filter through all the mind-numbing crap. There are other places, however, where you can search to find exactly what you want. Like the fabulous fun-filled internet.
There are great sites like www.atomfilms.com or www.joost.com which allow you to watch independent short films. If you don’t like short films, that’s okay. Just play them very slowly, and they’ll turn into long films.
Or you can visit a site like www.getnakedmovies.com. Or you can go to the nearest smut shop. You pervert.
Another option is to visit your local bootleg movie distributor. Those folks work hard to sneak camcorders into theaters and illegally download content from the web. Check them out; you never know what they’ll have in stock. And it’s like playing the lottery every time you buy a movie: the quality could be anywhere from “horrible” to “actually kinda good”.
I hope I’ve been able to help you, Penunablahblahblahblahblah. Enjoy your movie watching experience.
Thanks!
JC
Mountain Dew doing bad stuff to the ding-dong?
Oct 18th
My daughter told me to stop giving my little son Mountain Dew because it can do bad stuff to the male’s ding-dong. Is this true?
- Jerry
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for submitting this question. I strongly feel that almost everybody in the world don’t know what they are actually consuming these days. The only group of people who have some type knowledge what they are consuming are the Asians and the Latinos; If they say chicken foot soup, believe me, it’s chicken foot soup! Nothing more and nothing less.
Mountain dew isn’t radioactive green just for nothing. Sure, it will shrink your kids ding-dong but how much it will shrink will all depends. If you drink the dew every once in a while, then you’re okay. You can still aspire becoming America’s next top porno star. Unless you drink a case of that stuff everyday, then you can legally considered yourself as a transvestite.
On top of Moutain Dew making you lose your ding-dong and your pimp status, there’s also other things you have to contend with in life such as: Red Bull giving everybody wings, and Taco Bell giving everybody the runs.
What’s wrong with good, dependable crystal-clear water and kosher foods?
Your friend,
JC
How Did The "Virgin Mary" Really Get Pregnant?
Oct 18th
Dame Homie,
Thought we were keeping it real, what up with the edited response to my last question? That’s kind of like reading a scripture or quote in the bible yesterday, then opening the same bible and reading it again but holy shit its been revised.
Any who, here’s my next question. How did the “Virgin Mary “really get pregnant? Was your dad trying to avoid child support and blamed the Holy Ghost or is Joseph your real father?
-PoBoy
Dear PoBoy,
First of all, let me explain why I edited my response to your last question. Those who are unfamiliar with the site may not realize that I have two assistants who help me maintain it. I’m old-school, man. I’m not very internet-savvy. I can’t even change the songs on my iPod without help.
So I have my two assistants, codenamed 13th Apostle and Railroad Hobo, who maintain the site and type my answers in for me. Occasionally I allow one of them to answer a question, but not very often. Aside from their ability to use the internet, they’re not very bright. On the IQ scale, they’d fall just above Britney Spears and just below a sweet potato pie.
Anyway, 13th Apostle’s girlfriend saw my response to your question and thought that it was too rude. For some reason she blamed him. You remember what they did to me on the cross? That was nothing compared to the treatment 13th Apostle got from his girlfriend. And this time he was paying for my sins.
See, sometimes it’s hard for me to relate to modern sensibilities. Like I said: I’m old-school. In my day, people weren’t so easily offended. I used to make fun of Judas’s stutter all the time. He used to call me “J-J-J-Jesus.” It cracked me up!!!
Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why he turned on me…
But just because I don’t relate to that kind of sensitivity doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize. I sympathized with the possibility that I’d offended someone, and I also sympathized with 13th Apostle, who had to listen to his girlfriend’s incessant nagging.
So I edited the response a bit, to make it more “polite”. The essense of it is still the same. You said it’s like reading a revised Bible? Well, do you know how many different versions of the Bible there are? And good luck finding one that’s faithful to the original text. So consider the revision to be the King James Version of my response. A little bit different, but what the hell. It’s all you’ve got.
Now on to your second question: you wanna know if my momma was really a virgin. You wanna know if God was really my father, or if Joseph was.
I almost wanna call Maury Povich. God and Joseph could go on the show and take DNA tests to determine paternity. Imagine the look on God’s face if Maury said, “God, you are… NOT the father.”
Unfortunately that won’t work, because Joseph is dead and God has no DNA. So I’ll just have to tell you.
It doesn’t matter who was the biological father. God wasn’t working in the fields to support me, or rubbing my mothers feet when she got tired. That was Joseph. God didn’t teach me how to throw a fishing net or build a chair. That was Joseph. God didn’t show me his drawings of naked women when I turned sixteen. That was Joseph.
As for my mother: c’mon, man. That’s my mother! I can’t tell you if she was knockin’ boots! I don’t even like to think about it!
The important thing is that I’m here, and you’re here too.
And we all know that your momma was knockin’ boots! Hahaha!
Thanks for the question,
Jesus
Why Haven't You Sent A Crushing Blow To Muslims?
Oct 18th
Dude whats up with the Muslims and the other fanatics that feel they have to press there believes upon the entire planet at what ever cost in the name of ALLA, why havent you sent a crushing blow to there doctrine to discourge others from folling, a lot of people have told me there isnt a GOD but i know your real how you ask because my granma told me so and she has never lied to me LOL
-PoBoy
Dear PoBoy,
Seriously though, how come I have to keep explaining to people that I’m not God? If I was, then why would I have asked “my God, why have you forsaken me” when I was on the cross? For dramatic effect? I have to admit, though, it makes for a very lucrative movie.
Although I still haven’t gotten my check for The Passion of the Christ. I’m pretty sure I own the rights to that story. I’m just sayin’.
There is a God, so your grandmother didn’t lie to you (unless she told you that there was a Santa Claus. Then she lied her ass off.). But I am not God. I’m Jesus. I don’t deal crushing blows; I heal people and spread good vibes.
As far as the Muslims go… well, Islamic fanaticism is a complicated issue. I think I’ll allow my good friend and tennis partner Muhammed to explain.
Thanks,
Jesus H. Christ (The “H” is for “Happy Face”)
Dear Poboy,
I am Muhammed, the preferred prophet of Islam Inc. We, like Christ Co., are a business as well as a religion. As a business, we have to keep our customer base growing, and we have to keep them happy. Well, there’s a lot of competition these days, not only from Christianity and Judaism, but also from growing religions like Scientology, Rastafari, Wicca, and Bratz Doll Worship.
So we have to get the word out about Islam. Think of it like a Burger King commercial, but instead of that creepy guy in the mask who stalks people, we have nice lovable Muhammed.
I, like Jesus, spread only piece and good vibes. Unless you happen to be an infidel. Then may Allah have mercy on you.
Haha, just kidding, my friend. But check Islam out. We’ll let you have up to four wives!
Salaam.
Muhammed
Dear Poboy,
Hey, it’s Jesus again. Just wanted to say that having four wives isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Think of all the nagging! I’m just sayin’…
Jesus
What In Tarnations Does The Term "Pretty Please" Imply?
Oct 18th
What in tarnations does the term “Pretty please” imply?
-Mr. Bo Planters
Dear Mr. Planters,
I’m glad you asked. A lot of people don’t know that “pretty please” originated from the French phrase “prix de plis”, which literally translates as “price of pleats”.
In the late eighteenth century, homosexuality was widely persecuted in France. Gay men needed a way to discreetly identify one another in society. So they came up with various code words and phrases which were meaningless to most people, but which fellow homosexuals instantly recognized as sexual advances.
One of these phrases was “prix de plis”. Because no heterosexual man would be expected to know the price of pleated pants, they would in most cases simply shrug when they heard the phrase. But a gay man would recognize it as an offer of oral sex, to which they would reply “dix-huit francs” if they chose to accept.
Americans heard the phrase from French immigrants and didn’t know what it meant. They simply saw that those who spoke it tended to be treated favorably by the other party, sometimes even receiving money or other valuables before the two would walk away together. The Americans began to use it themselves when making requests of one another, mispronouncing the quote as “pretty please” instead of “prix de plis”. Many Americans still use the phrase to this day, never suspecting that they’re actually using an old French code to offer oral sex.
Glad I could help!
JC
P.S. Other phrases which originated as offers to perform oral sex include “I pledge allegiance”, “irregardless”, and “Fallout Boy rocks”.
Why Is It That People Say "Fear God"?
Oct 18th
Oh JEESUS! Why is it that people say “Fear God!”? Are we supposed to live our lives in constant fear that you will kill us if we dont follow your laws?
-Mr. Bo Planters
Dear Mr. Planters,
First of all, they’re not my laws. I’m not the one you have to worry about. I’m not the one who’s been accused of worldwide homicide by drowning! I’m not the one who’s been accused of turning people into pillars of salt! But that’s how it is, I guess: you hang out with someone enough and you start getting blamed for the things the other person does.
If anything, I should be afraid of you people. You’re the ones who have ceremonies where you pretend to drink my blood and eat my flesh. That’s creepy!
But whether or not you should fear God is a different question. Same answer, but different question.
I don’t understand why so many people who claim to worship God attribute so many clearly negative traits to Him. He’s understood to be jealous, vengeful, vain, petty, aloof, biased, and angry. Many of His followers refer to themselves as “God-fearing” people. But can you love someone and fear them at the same time? And if you have good reason to fear someone, how can they love you?
I mean, I know I child can love his mother in general, but fear her when she gets drunk and starts throwing platform shoes at him. But if he fears her all the time, then there’s a problem in the relationship.
Of course, that’s not a valid comparison because “God works in mysterious ways”, right? Wrong. That phrase is not even from the Bible. God never said that He wanted His motives to be a mystery. If He did, why would He give us the Bible in the first place? He could have just given us James and the Giant Peach, which is much more entertaining to read.
If God made man in His image, then the traits that we see as positive characteristics should be traits that we attribute to God: kindness, mercy, compassion, generosity, minty fresh breath, and courage. People talk about God’s mercy like peasants would talk about the mercy of a tyrant; as if God is showing us infinite mercy and kindness by not slaughtering us every time He’s in a bad mood. Do you think that God is only good sometimes? God is not your alcoholic mother!
A perfect God would exhibit those traits all the time, and He would want us to have those traits as well. He would not want us to live in fear of Him, and he would not want our motivation for doing good to be fear of punishment. Acting out of fear does not make you a better person. You have to do right because you know it’s the right thing to do.
And if you’re following someone who’s angry and wants you to fear him… it’s probably not God. Ask him to show some ID.
Thanks,
Jesus
Why Do People Worship The Cross?
Oct 18th
Oh Jesus! why is it that people, not only, worship the cross? but go beyond that! to worship the cross with your mutilated body on it?
-Mr. Bo Planters
Dear Mr. Planters,
I can see why it doesn’t make sense to you that some of my followers worship the cross. It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s like if Martin Luther King Jr.’s followers hung little rifles all over the place in his honor. Or if Dracula fans hung wooden stakes around their necks.
Or remember that guy in Seatlle who died from injuries sustained while allowing a horse to sodomize him? It would be like if his family put little wooden horse penises all over their homes. It just wouldn’t add up.
As far as the use of my image goes, I would prefer a different representation. Nobody likes to get lynched, but seeing little statues of your lynching all over the place can be really nerve-wracking. First of all, it wasn’t my best day. I look emaciated, weak, and defeated. I was a pretty strong guy in my lifetime. And I was also very good-looking (if I do say so myself). I’d rather be depicted with my shirt off, the sun on my back, muscles rippling as I hauled in a net full of fish. That would be hot.
But I get the idea: people want to be reminded of my suffering. And that’s fine if that’s what you use the cross for. But don’t use it as an ornament to impress your friends. Don’t cover it with expensive, ostentatious jewels and precious metals. What message is that sending? That I suffered so that you could get rich?
Um… no, I didn’t. Jackass.
But the real reason that people are so obsessed with the cross reaches back through history to the time of Constantine. And I don’t mean the movie starring Keanu “I Do All My Acting With One Facial Expression” Reeves. I mean Flavius Valerius Aurelius LeeRoy Constantinus, the Roman Emporer who in 325 AD summoned the Council of Nicaea, which basically transformed Christianity into a more easily swallowed pill.
“In hoc signo vinces.” Constantine claimed to have received this message in a dream along with a vision of a cross. It’s basically Latin for “in this sign you will conquer.” And that’s what he did.
And that’s the basis for what the majority of Christians believe today. Christianity lasted less than 300 years before becoming a tool that power-grabbing leaders could use to manipulate the masses. But, hey, I’m not bitter.
On a related subject, Barack Obama recently decided to stop wearing his flag-shaped lapel pin all the time. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, wearing the pin became a fad for US citizens who wanted to appear patriotic, particularly for politicians and journalists. Obama says that he’d rather let his words and actions demonstrate his patriotism, and that he doesn’t need a flag pin to show it.
Amazingly, he’s getting criticized for his decision. Now I’m not the biggest Barack Obama fan in the world, but I can appreciate the choice he’s making. I understand.
A lot of people use the cross to show that they’re Christians instead of showing it through their words and actions. Which is a shame, because a lot of people who wear the cross aren’t really Christians. So please, people, show your Christianity through your deeds, not through an image of a torture device on a chain around your neck.
Adios,
Jesus
