askjeesus.net
All your burning questions answered!
How does an ostrich have sex, make love, or do the funky stuff??
Oct 18th
How does an ostrich have sex, make love, or do the funky stuff??
-Lily is Curious
Dear Lily,
Ostrich?! Oh, those things! I kind of messed up when I created the Ostrich. I had intentions on making a super size chicken to complement the Chick-fil-a worshipers but the concept never really took off (pun not intended). One of these days, I will complete my super size chicken; on this planet or on another planet, there will be a super size chicken.
So you’re curious on how the Ostriches do the funky stuff, make love, knock boots, have sex, and get it on. I bet you and all of your girlfriends got tired talking about your crappy husband’s love making skills and started to wonder off with the animals.
Well, I can’t tell you how ostrich’s get their grove on. Whatever they do should be a sacred practice just like with you and your love one.
Your Zoo Keeper,
JC.
P.S. If you really want to know, you can look at some ostrich porn on the National Geographic Channel.
Why Did You Create Sickness And Disease?
Oct 18th
Why did you create sickness and disease? I mean, I know that some have the theory that it is your way of having a natural population control: An outburst of epidemics like Meningitis, AIDS, Hepatitis (A,B,C,D,E,G, and any other strains that haven’t been found yet). I’m not speaking about those deadly, life threatening diseases, but in regards to the annoying cold, fever, stomach flu, etc. that leaves you miserable and stuck inside for days doped up on antibiotics, Tylenol w/Codeine, and super powered cold medicine.
Now for the first day or so, I’ll admit, it’s pretty cool not having to go to work or fold that pile of laundry sitting in the corner of your laundry room, or worry about what to cook for dinner (because now you have an excuse to blow your grocery budget and order “take out”). But after that first day or so it gets annoying. You sit up in bed and you feel like your heads going to explode, you answer the phone and everyone reacts with “OH, you sound horrible, AHH you sound like a man.” You lose your ability to smell or taste anything, all you want to eat is soup and jello…and maybe a little ice cream (thats the other bonus point of being sick, you can eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerrys by yourself and no one will look at you like “you’re better off putting that back in the freezer and going to the gym.”–They realize and feel your pain, you can only eat soup, Jello and ice cream).
Whats the point of torturing us feeble humans in this manner? If there is no intention of us dying, why do we even have to get sick. Frankly I think you should only have us get sick if you have full intentions of killing us off. If not let me have the ability to enjoy that sirloin steak my fiancee was going to grill for me last night that I completely turned him down on because I wanted a stupid bowl of soup!!!
-At Home Sick
Dear At Home Sick,
I’m about to change the name of this site to blamejeesus.net.
So far, I’ve been blamed for everything from racism to rich rappers to raindrops.
Now I’m responsible for your germ infestation, too? I use diseases as a method of population control? Who do you think I am? Hitler?
Well, I’m different from Hitler in two important ways:
1) I have vastly superior facial hair, and
2) I don’t kill people off to reduce the population.
And why is it that Satan isn’t getting the blame for these diseases? He gets credit for all the cool stuff like rock music and prostitution, but the minute somebody gets the sniffles it’s “Jesus, why are you doing this to me?!”
Can you picture me in a lab somewhere creating biological weapons and laughing like a super-villain? That’s just not the case. Diseases are a product of a vast ecosystem that contains everything from complex organisms like mammals and reptiles to tiny bacteria, viruses, and parasites. Some organisms get along with one another, but some just don’t know how to play nice.
Have you considered that occasional sickness might be God’s way of keeping people humble? Imagine how much more arrogant and egotistic you people might be if you could never get sick. Doesn’t it serve to remind you of your human limitations? It could be worse. God could just come down personally and beat the crap out of you every few days. I think you’re getting off easy with a slight fever.
And remember that most of the symptoms you experience are not caused by the disease; they’re evidence of your body’s natural defenses to fight off the disease. If your temperature rises, it’s to create an environment that’s inhospitable to germs. If your nose runs or you vomit all over your fiance’s lap, that’s your body’s way of removing harmful materials. That’s why you have to be careful what medicine you take. Many medicines on the market (antihistamines, etc.) prevent symptoms rather than attacking the disease. So you’ll think you’re getting better when you stop coughing, but it’s actually shutting down your body’s natural defenses and making you sick longer.
Also… I’m not a doctor, but… um… ice cream might not be the best thing for you if you have a cold. I’d stick to the soup. Although I know when that Chunky Monkey calls, it’s hard not to accept the charges.
Get Well Soon,
JC
P.S. Your fiance wasn’t really going to grill you a steak. He only offered cause he knew you’d be too sick to accept. That way he’d get brownie points without actually having to do anything. It’s the oldest trick in the book.
I've Secretly Been In Love With My Cousin For Half My Life
Oct 18th
Oh Lord,
I am desperatly confused about my current situation. I have secretly been in love with my cousin for about half of my life and it is completely driving me crazy. She has feelings for me as well and we have shared some intimate moments, no we have not had sexual intercourse. However, we have had some hot and heavy moments and we are truly, desperately in love. I’m wondering what sould we do.
Desperatly in Love…with family
PS.
She is my 1st cousin and no I do not live in Kentucky.
-Crazy In Love
Dear Crazy,
Alabama then, eh?
Listen, Crazy, incest may not be as bad as you think. Unlike the ridiculous evolution story that all those whacked-out scientists want you to believe, Biblical history is actually built around incest. Think about it: God created two people. Then they reproduced with one another and had children. Then they reproduced with… who? You can almost hear the banjo from Deliverance, can’t you?
That being said, are you sure you wanna keep it in the family? It might cause too many problems for you in the long run: family alienation, legal hassles, kids with gills…
You should probably find someone you aren’t related to. There are billions of people out there. You’ll find someone that you love just as much or even more.
Besides, people who hook up with their cousins aren’t very popular.
Except for Rudy Giuliani, that is.
Thanks for the question,
JC
Why Is It That Women Have Gotten Such A Bad Wrap With Driving?
Oct 18th
Jeesus,
I wanna know why is it that women have gotten such a bad wrap with driving? I’m a women and I can drive really well. I can even drive a manual! There are plenty of women who are fully capable drivers…even better than men. Take Danica Patrick for example: She’s one of the top racers in the IRL!!! Please explain to me why is it that women always get pinned with the bad wrap when it comes to the road?
-Box Car Racer
Dear Box Car Racer,
Do you know any really, really stupid guys? I mean someone so stupid that when Apple came out with the iPhone, he actually held it up to his eye and tried to talk?
That person, unfortunately, has no idea that he is so stupid. He probably thinks he’s just as smart as everyone else.
It’s the same thing with you and your driving. You’re not a good driver. You just think you are. But you’re a woman, which makes it very unlikely. Why? Because:
A) Women are almost never good drivers, and
B) Women are almost always wrong
LOL… I’m just kidding, ladies, you’re just as capable of driving as men are. I was just trying to be funny. I would never truly say anything so derogatory and chauvinistic.
So there’s no need to throw a hissy fit.
Thanks!
JC
Everytime I go to the store, I always see women with those huge hand bags holding up the line
Oct 18th
Everytime I go to the store, I always see women with those huge hand bags holding up the line because they have so much junk in them, they have to fish for their credit card/cash. I just don’t understand why they just carry what they need. Please enlighten me.
- Patient Customer
Dear Patient Customer,
I understand how this boggles your mind. Disregarding the other “men” that still think fanny packs are cool, most men utilize these nifty little things called “wallets”. You just stuff whatever cash you have, pictures of your wife/girlfriend/the girl you’d like to be with/the other fall back girl you’d like to be with and so on.
Simple, but yet a smart concept which I would like to call “organization”.
Ladies have this thing where they must cram every single little thing in their purse making the seams hold together for dear life. Somewhere down there is that credit card she’s fishing for, while the checkout line gets held up.
This is what I like to call “disorganization”.
Even though you might want to pack light so you can accomplish your task in the most effective and efficient manner, there will always be the yang to disrupt your own harmony. Sometimes you need that disruption to slow your life down and give you that time you need to reflect, “what the hell is that lady packing in that purse?!”
Your enlightenment,
JC
Why Do Men Find "Taken" Women So Attractive?
Oct 18th
Why is it that it is so hard for a girl to get a really good guy when she’s single, yet when she finally finds the right one and finally gets ready to settle down into a “committed” relationship all the men in the world come riding in on tidal waves?
Why weren’t they there to choose from at the beginning?
And why do men find “taken” women so attractive?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
First of all, it’s not hard for a girl to get a really good guy when she’s single — it’s just hard for a girl to get a really good guy. Period.
Those guys who are showing up now? They’re not really good guys. Especially if they’re riding in on tidal waves. God is clearly trying to flood them off the face of the Earth. (He has a history of that, you know.)
Why do men find “taken” women so attractive? At the risk of having my Guy Card revoked, I’m going to tell you: they find you attractive because they don’t have to deal with you all the time.
If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending most of your free time with your boyfriend/fiance/husband. You won’t be calling the guy all the time “just to say hi”, you won’t be dragging him to chick flicks, and you won’t be asking him to meet your parents. He won’t be expected to buy you anything expensive, because your boyfriend/fiance/husband would find it and get suspicious.
The most the guy would expect, provided he can talk his way into it, is an occasional no-questions-asked sexcapade in an office or a motel or a 1984 Chevy Caprice.
Which is exactly what the guy wants. Keep in mind that, as I said before, these are not really good guys.
I take it that, if you are ready to settle down, you’ve found yourself a really good guy. And apparently you weren’t in a committed relationship when you found him. So things do work out sometimes, don’t they?
Good luck to you in your relationship,
Jesus
What Is It That Guys See In A Woman's Butt?
Oct 18th
What is it that guys see in a womans butt? Why is it that this area of the female anatomy seems to be so cherished by males?
-Buttcheeks
Dear Buttcheeks,
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought Sir Mix-A-Lot did a great job, about 15 years ago, of explaining the fascination with the butt. Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t take a stab at it… um, the question, not the butt.
Some people think that men are attracted to a woman’s butt because it’s shaped like a big, juicy apple — just like the apple that was our original temptation in the Garden of Eden. That’s a good theory, and it explains why some men would put the entire human race in jeopardy to get some tail. But it doesn’t explain why so many men avoid eating actual fruit.
The truth of the matter is simple: guys (at least straight guys) don’t want women who have bodies like guys. Therefore, the body parts that are most distinctive on women are most attractive to men.
To put it even more simply: we want what we don’t got. A big voluptuous booty is generally not a male trait, so it is an attractive trait in a female. Big, bouncy breasts are not common in men, therefore they are attractive in women. If beer guts and mustaches were common on women and practically nonexistent on men, we’d be attracted to those too.
Note to women: Beer guts and mustaches are common on men and are therefore NOT attractive on you!!!
Despite what the modeling industry tries to tell you, most men don’t like women with the bodies of teenaged boys. Those that do… probably like teenaged boys.
I hope I was able to answer your question, Buttcheeks.
Love always,
Jesus
P.S. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
"Playas" And "Sluts"; Why The Double Standard?
Oct 18th
Hey up there!
Why is it that when a man is with ten women he gets called a pimp or is thought of as a ‘playa’ and looked at as a desirable object; whereas a women who sleeps with ten men is looked at as a slut, used goods, leftovers? Why the double standard?
-Sexually Curious
Dear Sexually Curious,
That’s easy. It’s because people in your society generally are not admired for doing things that are easy to do. They’re admired for doing things that are HARD to do.
If a Harvard professor reads Green Eggs And Ham, I wouldn’t be impressed. Because that’s easy for him to do.
But if R. Kelly reads Green Eggs And Ham I would be impressed. Because that’s HARD for him to do.
Do you see the difference?
It has nothing to do with gender bias. The fact is, getting laid is much more of an accomplishment for a man than it is for a woman.
As the great philosopher Chris Rock once noted, if you’re a woman every man you’ve met since you were thirteen has been trying to have sex with you.
Now if you actually LET every man that you met since you were thirteen have sex with you, you’re a slut.
But show me a man who’s had sex with every woman he’s met since he was thirteen, and I’ll show you a superhero. A superhero with a lot of STDs, but a superhero nonetheless.
Thanks,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hard to get”)
P.S. Don’t think women aren’t admired for being sluts, also. Look at Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith.
Pro Choice or Pro Life? Are You A Republican Or A Democrat?
Oct 18th
JC,
Important question that I’m sure you would like to answer: Pro Choice or Pro Life?
Are you a Republican or a Democrat…Or we could even a ‘liberal-conservative.’
-Emily
Dear Emily,
Little known fact: my mother’s husband wanted her to abort me. He said he would never be able to raise someone else’s child. He wanted to make it work, wanted to pretend that I was his. But he was afraid that every time he looked at me he would just see God.
Fortunately, my mother was able to convince him to change his mind. It was fortunate for him because God probably would’ve been a bit peeved if I was aborted. It was fortunate for me because abortion in those days consisted of a horrendous process involving a hedgehog, a cobra, and razor-sharp tongs.
Actually, I just made up the above story for shock value (the same reason I walked on water). But the part about the abortion process is true. Fortunately, the technique has improved over the years to the point that they’ve managed to eliminate the hedgehog and the cobra.
I’m pro-life, generally speaking. There are extenuating circumstances, of course, but in most cases I’m against abortion. I’m a big fan of giving a conceived child a chance to live out his or her potential on Earth.
Besides, what if I choose to be reborn again onto the Earth, and the baby is aborted? That would kinda suck!
As far as whether I’m a Republican or a Democrat, I think the political system in the United States is one of the most ridiculous things that mankind has ever come up with. Regular people don’t just fall within one category or the other, you know. Unless they’re brainwashed, that is.
The major political parties only represent corporations and special interests; they don’t represent people. I’d run for the 2008 Presidency myself, but I’m not a US citizen.
Thank God.
Forever Yours,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “Hillary in ’08″
