askjeesus.net
All your burning questions answered!
Is My Husband Cheating On Me?
Oct 18th
Is my husband cheating on me?
-Faithful
Dear Faithful,
Whoa. Hold on now. Offering answers to the great questions of the universe is one thing. Giving advice now and then is fine. But I never said I was a snitch. If your husband was cheating on you, it really wouldn’t be my place to tell you. I could lose my Guy Card for that.
The more important question is whether or not your relationship is suffering, for that reason or any other. If your relationship is strong and happy and fulfilling, don’t let the seeds of doubt creep into your mind. Enjoy it for what it is.
Or call “Cheaters”. I love that show. And they seem to do a pretty good job. And if you do find out that he’s cheating on you, whup his ass on national television. I’ll get the popcorn.
Good Luck,
JC
How Do You Know If Your Teenage Daughter Is Sleeping Around?
Oct 18th
How do you know if your teenage daughter is sleeping around?
-Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
First of all, and this is very important, make sure that she has NO UNSUPERVISED CONTACT WITH R. KELLY.
With that out of the way, make sure she has no unsupervised contact with any other guy either.
Unfortunately, that’s the only way to be certain. Aside from that, just educate her. Have an honest discussion about the risks and dangers of sexual activity. And make sure you’re not being a slut yourself.
Forever Yours,
JC
How do you know if your teenager is on drugs? What are the signs?
Oct 18th
How do you know if your teenager is on drugs? What are the signs?
Concerned Mom
Big J here!
This is an easy question but at the same hand, it can be a bit difficult to answer. To help me answer the many different aspects and facets of your question, I’ll introduce to you one of my crack smokin’ staff, Tampa Railroad Hobo.
Hobo: Hi Concerned Mom!
Have you ever asked your teenager if he/she is on drugs? If your teenager answer yes, then why not use that moment to bond and explore why he/she likes to go out in la la land with puff the magic dragon. A concerned parent should also be an understanding parent.
What are the symptoms and signs? Bowls of Frost Flakes between the hours of noon to 3am, Crazy appetite for Papa John’s Pepporoni Pizza, Face Resembles like Pizza, Skid Marks, Watches ‘Half Baked’ more than 3 times a day and excessive online game play on World of Warcraft, just to name a few.
Garner trust and respect from your teenager. Then when the time comes, you steal his/her stash and flush that crap down the toliet!! Ass beating is optional. Make sure you’re not on the influence just in case law enforcement comes knocking on your door.
Long story short: Your husband is the supplier.
Sincerely, Big J and Hobo.
How Do You Know If Someone Has A Gambling Problem?
Oct 18th
How do you know if someone has a gambling problem and how do you make them stop?
-Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
There are many ways to tell if someone has a gambling problem. For example, if you are standing in the lobby of a building and someone bets you money that a certain elevator door will open first, that person probably has a gambling problem.
If a man has a drug problem but can’t afford to buy drugs because he lost all his money gambling, then he probably has a gambling problem.
If a woman bets money on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, then she probably has a serious gambling problem.
If you want to make a person stop gambling, get them addicted to something else. I suggest Christianity. Just have them give all the money they would normally gamble with to the church. The payoff will be far greater than it would be at the casino. I’ll bet you anything!
Thanks,
Jesus
How Can I Become Rich, If I Am Poor?
Oct 18th
How can I become rich, if I am poor? Living paycheck to paycheck.
Kori-Ann
Dear Kori-Ann,
This is another question I get asked a LOT. I get it the most from people in the United States, where they teach you that anyone can be rich but forget to mention that not everyone can.
It’s a very common desire, fed by dreams of enormous, shining Hummers with 24-inch wheels that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops.
But remember what I once said: “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (That’s in Matthew 19:24, for those of you who are unfamiliar with my work.)
So you know what that means: unless there are some REALLY small camels walking around somewhere, Bill Gates ain’t gettin into heaven. (Unless he hooks us all up with Windows Vista for free. That would be pretty sweet.)
My point is that getting rich may not be what you really want. You may just seek the relative comfort and security that comes with a middle-class income.
If that’s the case, I would suggest going back to school to learn a trade. There may be some careers out there that you haven’t considered. You’d be surprised how much clowns make, and the job is a lot of fun. Or you can get elected to Congress; they get to vote on their own raises! As a matter of fact, being a clown seems to increase your chances of getting elected to Congress.
Anyway, many people think that being rich is the key to happiness. But people who do a job they love for low pay are generally happier than those who get rich doing a job they hate. Focus on finding a job that you love, and living your life in a way that you love. If the money comes, it comes. But chances are, you won’t care anymore.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. If you still want to get rich, I can use my omnipotent abilities to make sure you win the lottery. Unfortunately there is a long line of people ahead of you who asked me first, so I won’t be able to squeeze you in until August 2023. Let me know, and I’ll put you on the list. Thanks!
How Do I Tell My Boyfriend His Breath Stinks Without Putting Down His Self-esteem?
Oct 18th
How do I tell my boyfriend his breath stinks without putting down his self-esteem?
-Grace
Dear Grace,
This is a very common question, but it is also a simple one to answer. The first thing you need to realize is this: bad breath is a very manly quality to have. My breath didn’t exactly smell like spring flowers when I was on Earth, you know. We didn’t even have toothpaste yet.
So it shouldn’t damage your boyfriend’s self-esteem if you tell him he has bad breath; on the contrary, it should make him feel more like a man. If you really want to make him feel good, tell him his underarms and feet stink, too.
If having such a manly man is a problem for you, however, the best thing to do is to try to determine the source of the bad breath. It could be a medical or dental issue that needs to be diagnosed, or it could be caused by your cooking. (You are cooking for him, right? If not, you should be.) The solution could be as simple as providing plenty of chewing gum and/or mints around the house.
Or point out to him a news article about the long-term benefits of proper dental care, and tell him the article inspired you to brush, floss, and rinse with mouthwash more often. Then do it. The odds are that, if you set the example, he will follow along as well.
If all else fails, completely stop cleaning your mouth at all. Wait for him to comment on your bad breath, and take the opportunity to point out his. Even if this doesn’t work, chances are that your own bad breath will keep you from noticing his so much.
I just hope you don’t have a dog.
Good Luck,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for halitosis)
How Can I Tell My Friend Her Myspace Page Makes Her Look Like A Porn Star?
Oct 18th
How can I tell my friend her myspace page makes her look like a Porn Star?
-Shontee
Dear Shontee,
If your friend’s MySpace page makes her look like a porn star, that’s probably what she wants to look like. For many people, porn star is a desirable title. It has the word “star” in it, at least. So for someone who hasn’t managed to become any other type of star, “porn star” might be the way to go.
If you want her to change her MySpace page, tell her it makes her look like something less prestigious: like a “crack whore”. Nobody wants to be a crack whore.
No little girl ever said, “I wanna be a crack whore when I grow up.” Not even crack whores want to be crack whores. You can also try terms like “slut”, “skank”, “hussy”, “floozy”, or “village bicycle”. But I think “crack whore” will work the best.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. Umm… what’s your friend’s MySpace URL? I need to see it for… um… business reasons. Jesus stuff. You understand. Thanks!
Survey says that most of our readers…
Oct 18th
After being struck down by a hail of lightning over the weekend, it was brought to my attention that most of you (Lambs or Horseys.. you can pick) don’t like to submit your long, deep (or sometime shallow) questions through email because:
* You don’t have an email service
* Don’t feel like jumping to hotmail.com or yahoo.com to name a few
* You think the government is on to you with those UFO ideas in your brain
With that being said, you can also submit your questions by clicking on the “comments” link at the bottom of every entry. We scan the comments on the regular and you can use a fake name for those UFO like questions.
Jesus wants you to know He is not happy
Oct 18th
Jesus is a bit chagrined that He hasn’t gotten more response thus far. He figured that an easy, user-friendly outlet to receive the answers to all the mysteries of the universe would be an enticing offer.
He’s starting to blame us for not getting the word out enough. We’re doing all we can. As they say, however: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
Come on, little horseys, you know you’re thirsty…
Sorry. Jesus just told me that I shouldn’t call you people little horseys. He prefers to think of you as lambs.
Anyway, He awaits your most profound queries. Simply email your questions to askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Jesus will respond very quickly, and one of us will post His reply. Thank you.
His humble servant,
13th Apostle
The Question Jesus Gets Asked The Most
Oct 18th
Sup, dawgs, Jesus here.
There’s one question I get asked more than any other, so I just want to get the issue cleared up once and for all so that we can move on to other, perhaps more important, issues. I realize that it’s a very divisive topic, and I don’t want to seem like I’m taking sides. But it seems like practically every other person I meet wants to know where I stand.
So before I give you my answer, I just want to make it clear that this is not a critical issue. You will not fall out of my favor or go to hell for disagreeing with me on this. I know that you Christians strive to live as I lived, but this is just my personal preference, not a matter of religious doctrine. It’s okay to disagree.
That being said, here’s my answer:
Boxers.
Those tighty whiteys just aren’t roomy enough, if you know what I mean.
Thanks,
Jesus Christ
